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Nowadays, nukes can be 'tuned' to produce lower amounts of radiation and more blast/heat

This isn't an episode of MacGyver.

Do you know how long it takes for a pot-hole to get filled? And there are allegedly dedicated teams of people paid to do just that sort of thing, and the level to staff that team isn't hard to find.

Let's say that you are the one with the bumper sticker that reads "There is no problem large enough that it can'be be fixed with high explosives." and because this is a large problem you want to use a large explosive. That is the core of your reason for doing this.

So miracle happen. First the Kenyan Post Turtle somehow cares to "Plug the Damn Hole". Since this is a dicatatorship now, that pretty much is the only executive obstacle. Then you get tasked with making this so.

Who are you going to call? Who do know has this kind of expertise, that is the ability to "tune" the nuke specifically for this environment and task? Do you think that Lockheed has an excel spreadsheet or a CAD template laying around that, only after punching in a few parameters will kick out a design? Do you think that they will do this without modeling it? Do you know how many years it takes just to design the model? And how long it takes just to get the data to feed, design and test the model?

What company do you know of out there, routinely futzes around with nuclear warheads, such where they can just pull down some parts and after Ol'Jimmy down in the shop mills out a couple parts, they can get that thing good-to-go in no time.

We are talking about a thermo-nuclear device. This isn't a case of thumbing through the yellow pages and negotiating a price and time you can get this service done. Who has access to these things? Do you really think that there are knobs and switches on the side of a nicely packaged microwave oven looking consumer friendly device where one just punches in the equivalent of "Popcorn" and then lobs the thing overboard into the ocean where it will simply do the trick like a Mission Impossible scene?

Who has the expertise in both deep sea geology and thermonuclear "tuning" ? And intuitively knows the hidden peculiarities of both the GOM and the off-the-shelf thermonuclear warhead. You want them to design this from scratch? If it was so easy, why doesn't everyone have one?

Do you think that we have stockpiles of these devices laying around that are designed to withstand the huge amount of pressure of ocean water, then jammed down a pipe for over mile, and somehow still detonate? Did the Soviets, in those Propaganda films have that sort of thing?

Seriously, even if one could staff a team of people with passing acquaintence to the task at hand, is this something that they could whip out over the weekend? Remember the pot-hole reference. All one needs is an illegal alien, a truck, a shovel and some asphalt, and that takes months to get taken care of. We need a specially "tuned" bomb that can handle the water pressure and being jammed down over a mile into the seafloor. We need a delivery system (this isn't exactly FedEx or even Haliburton's specialty), then we need a real damned good excuse in hand when the sea floor opens with hundreds of fissures spead over a large area, all spewing forth oil.

We can't even build a skyscraper that was knocked down nearly a decade ago, and the world has thousands upon thousands of people who have direct experience in designing and constructing office buildings.

Where in the world would you find, assemble, direct and manage a team that could come up with the perfect solution, construct a device that uses technology made to rapidly destroy cities, in a marine environment that even BP or the government doesn't even understands. Remember, whoever gets this project is surely corrupt and is somehow connected to this Chicago or this regime so they can make billions of profit from it. And what happens when everything goes to Hell, who is going to eat the blame? Anyone who has been awake for the past couple years should know by now that this regime accepts no blame for anything, and ALWAYS has a scapegoat and will demonize that party right out of business. I don't know how exactly they can pin a thermonuclear FUBAR event on George Bush. And I have no idea how or why anyone would bid this project. Do you know how many months it takes just to write a government proposal? Can you imagine the bid process?

Really, this isn't Hollywood. Let the oil experts, the real ones, not the imaginary ones, do that which is all we have the marginal technology to do - drill relief wells.

Who do know has this kind of expertise, that is the ability to "tune" the nuke specifically for this environment and task?

We already have them. The technology to do this is very old.

Do you think that Lockheed has an excel spreadsheet or a CAD template laying around that, only after punching in a few parameters will kick out a design? Do you think that they will do this without modeling it? Do you know how many years it takes just to design the model? And how long it takes just to get the data to feed, design and test the model?

We already have them in the stockpile.
The US nuclear stockpile is still over 5000 very sophisticated weapons already "tuned" to do everything except produce high amounts of neutron radiation (Carter blocked the 'neutron bomb'). The peak us stockpile was over 30,000 nuclear and thermonuclear weapons - every kind of design imaginable has already been developed and exists.

We are talking about a thermo-nuclear device.

No we are not.
Thermonuclear devices use nuclear fusion. We are talking about a much smaller fissionable device.

Who has access to these things?

The US Military.
Even after many weapons were dismantled - certain W80 weapons would have been suitable - some of the best for this task have been dismantled - there are still plenty of nukes on the shelf.

US Nuclear Inventory

Do you think that we have stockpiles of these devices laying around that are designed to withstand the huge amount of pressure of ocean water, then jammed down a pipe for over mile, and somehow still detonate?
Of course we do! Our nuclear inventory
The pressure is irrelevant. A BOP was delivered to that depth and was able to mostly function... or not.
A nuclear bomb is a very simple device and a VERY heavy one that is not harmed by pressures. It is not a firecracker that will become waterlogged and not light. W80 Did the Soviets, in those Propaganda films have that sort of thing?
Yes. They stopped bad spills with nukes, hence this discussion.

Where in the world would you find, assemble, direct and manage a team that could come up with the perfect solution, construct a device that uses technology made to rapidly destroy cities, in a marine environment that even BP or the government doesn't even understands.

There is no perfect solution. This thread assumes that this well will spew oil until it is dry, so more holes would not necessarily worsen it - if it is all going to leak out anyway.

Dial-a-Yield capability of modern nuclear weapons

The W80 is physically quite small, the "physics package" itself is about the size of a conventional Mk.81 250 lb (113 kg) bomb, 11.8 inches (30 cm) in diameter and 31.4 inches (80 cm) long, and only slightly heavier at about 290 lb (132 kg).

YES, Armorers have the ability to select the yield of the resulting explosion in-flight, a capability sometimes referred to as "dial-a-yield" but more properly variable yield. At one end of the scale, perhaps using just the boosted fission primary, the W80 has destructive power equivalent to around 5 kilotons of TNT; at the other end, the yield is equivalent to around 150 kt.

So, yes - you can simply punch in the yield you need for the job. No spreadsheet necessary. This can be done IN-FLIGHT!

I should mention, the nuke would not be shoved down the same hole, we cannot get anything down that hole as it is spewing petroleum at high pressure.

A hole of say 1000 feet can be drilled next to it and the nuke dropped down it.

Again, nobody knows if it will work... but if the alternative is to stand on the gulf shore and watch ALL of the oil spew out unabated for the next decade (or three) as this thread implies... it is worth serious consideration.