According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, “Wash. Biol. Surv.” until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
“Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.”
As a rural mail carrier, I encounter dogs on a regular basis. Whodathunkit? Dogs, rural, hmm. By the way, say "rural" out loud a few times. Doesn't that make you feel retarded? Who invented that word? Anyway, dogs are like the mushroom guys in Mario. They're always around, always trying to get me. My car, being unable to spin/jump and crush them into oblivion, is quite unwieldy in it's maneuverability. It's a daunting challenge to get around some of them and retain what dignity I have.
Should we try to understand a dog's motive? Are they merely following their genetic code that hard wires them into chasing everything that moves thinking it's a cow? Should we feel badly for their retardedness? Were they oppressed by a poor family unit as mere pups and are acting out now? Are there now Crips and Bloods of the canine variety?
Nah.
Dogs are stupid. Chasing a car is a redneck trick for a dog. If I spoke dog, I'll bet I could hear them way back there, hiding in the tall grass behind the mobile home, saying to their buddies "hold my beer" right before they come charging out on their four wheelers. Some try for extra points by trying to bite the tire that feeds them. These efforts are pretty high scoring affairs if they are successful, but not many score points in this fashion. The second highest scoring opportunity is to actually get out in front of the car and try to slow it down. The least scoring affairs are the "group chase" and the "try to bite the arm as it goes to the mailbox." Oh, and there's also a point if you have to get out of the car. If they are able to convince you that they are happy, harmless dogs long enough for you to break eye contact while say, interacting while the home owner, they can sneak up from behind for a leg score. I don't know how many points this one is worth. Yet.
I've developed a couple of methods to try to avoid them:
The "Pretend They Aren't There" method: This was my first attempt which has come to be probably the worst method. It should be called "Where is my rubber dog stamp and ink pad?" Four dogs, including the County Commissioners dog on the County Commissioner's private 1/2 mile driveway, have gotten spin/jumped in this method. Not effective. I give it two stars, only because it's the most time efficient. Otherwise one star.
The "Herd THEM Into The Weeds" method: As the dogs come running up from the yard, their share of the road has to be minimized. They are trying to herd my bovine mobile, so I return the favor by moving toward the edge of the road. The edge of the road that they're on. This has good and bad aspects. First, if successful, it will move the dog into the less aggressive running path, and force them to jump the clumps over in the weeds. It's fun, entertaining to watch, and simple physics! All that college wasn't wasted on me. The bad part about this method is the "OH, the mail carrier appears drunk" swerve, as I drive from side to side of the road. This is a good swerve when used out on the side of the highway, as I can influence traffic to actually USE the passing lane to, y'know, pass. I can see them moving over over a half-mile back in my mirror when I use the swerve. I get extra points for that. The other drivers think I'm not paying attention, when I'm herding THEM. Oh, I'm talking about dogs though. Dogs don't drink, as far as I know, at least that early in the morning. Three stars, with extra credit for multiple dogs getting herded. Lose a point if the home owner watches the swerve. And owns a shotgun.
Finally, my newest method. The "Keep Stopping" method: They come running expecting a good race, a fair race, with no cheap punches, biting off ears, spitting, etc. and I stop.
And I wait.
Then when I accelerate, I go gently, until I see them make a move to run. Then I stop.
I wait.
If they're close enough to the car, I give 'em the best Darth Vadar stare I can muster. No, wait. He wears a helmet. Okay, my best Klingon glare. I accelerate, stop. accelerate, stop. I keep lathering, rinsing and repeating until I've washed those dogs right out of my hair. They get confounded, confused, they look at each other, and wonder whether I'm the redneck that would use a leaf blower in the house. They forget to bark. When used effectively, they end up standing beside the road, drooling, muttering to themselves, and losing their self respect and what dignity they had. What a bunch of major league losers! They are often seen falling into alcoholic binges and quitting the Crips or Bloods. Many need counseling or heavier therapy, and drugs.
FIVE STARS!