Like the kid that latched onto pizza, to borrow your phrase, you clearly fell in love with Star Trek a long time ago, and bonded to that version of it. Anything that varies from the same old formula will never be pretty to you, which is a shame. Even your analysis of the movie (i.e. Uhuru is Spock's love slave?) is wildly inaccurate and marinated in bitterness.
While I'm not as similarly attached to an era of sci-fi before my time, but it seems to me the new Star Trek is old serial era Captain Midnight / Flash Gordon / Buck Rodgers seat-of-the-pants matinee fun. All the adrenaline of golden age sci-fi, but with the budget and technology to make it come alive.
Travesty! Blasphemy!
Perhaps. But it was good clean adventure in the formerly lost art of fun science fiction. It wasn't Shakespeare, but neither was Bill Shatner wrestling with a guy in an iguana mask.
That was a mask?
Talk about spoilers!