If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, repeat the following phrase three times in
succession when symptoms occur:
“My financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of Barrack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid,
Nancy Pelosi, Hilary Clinton, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emmanuel, Barney Frank, Chris Dodd, and Al Gore”
If that doesn’t scare the crap out of you, then you are probably destined to be full of it for the rest of your life.
Regards,
New Orleans Crabs...
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde, female crew member to
Take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in
the crew’s refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he
Was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she
let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was very annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most men think.
letter to my bank
Dear Sirs:
One of my checks was returned marked “insufficient funds”. In view of current events in the banking business, does that refer to me or to you?
Father O’Malley, an Irish priest from County Cork in Ireland, was transferred to Texas. Father O’Malley rose from his bed on the first morning in his new Texas mission parish house. He walked to the window of his bedroom to take a deep breath and a get view of the beautiful spring day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
‘Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?’
‘And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Anne’s Catholic Church. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?’
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, ‘Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!’
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied: ‘Aye, ‘tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin.’
Then offers to pay with lots of borrowed US Treasury dollars of course. :-)
Bumper sticker: My car is so dirty that when it rains, it makes its own gravy.
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts found on aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. H e deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!
OBAMA.
HAHA I win.
ping
The Obamas went to US Cellular fiend for a Sox game. Before the game a security guard came up and said something to Obama and he got up and took Michelle out of the ballpark. When he returned the guard went up and said “Mr. President you misunderstood. We wanted you to throw out the first Pitch!”
One day, Jimmy “Peanut” Carter was looking for a call girl. He found 3 such ladies at a local lounge...a blonde, a brunette and a red head. To the blonde he asked, “how much will it cost to spend time with you?” The blonde replied $300.00. He asked the brunette the same, and she said $100.00. Then he asked the redhead, whos reply was as follows:
“Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep me warmer than my apartment & screw me the way you do the public...believe me, it won’t cost you a damn cent!!!”
CHURCH BELLS
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling....
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed way, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit
her 95- year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, ‘He had a heart attack while we were making
love on Sunday morning. ‘
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
‘Oh no, my dear,’ replied Granny. ‘Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was
when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.’
She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, ‘He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.’
A Democrat High In The Air
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Republican.”
I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost.. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Democrat.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s MY fault.”
A Mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to
see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to
‘Mom’ . With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling
hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew
you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older thanI am.
But it’s not only the passion...... Mom she’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a
stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt
anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
She deserves it. Don’t worry Mom. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son Jon
P. S. Mom, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that’s in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
P. P.S. Call me when it’s safe to come home
saved for later read.
How about a thread of just Barak Obama jokes?
Obama needs to be ridiculed more.
He is more of a joke than Jimmy Carter.
President Bush’s Chief of Staff is briefing him on the current news from Iraq. The president seems to be nodding off, but when the Chief of Staff announces “Two Brazillian soldiers were killed yesterday,” the President suddenly sat up straight, grew wide-eyed and exclaimed, “That’s terrible!” The room was silent for a moment, then after a few moments of silence the President leaned in and asked, “How much is a Brazillian?”
For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
Bathtub Test
>
>
> >
> >>
> >> The Bathtub Test
> >>
> >> During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
> >> You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
> >>
> >> “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
> >> teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
> >> empty the bathtub.”
> >>
> >> “Oh, I understand,” I said.
> >>
> >> “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the
> >> spoon or the teacup.”
> >>
> >> “No.” said the director, “A normal person would pull the plug.
> >>
> >> Do you want a bed near the window?”
This Mexican suffering from the swine flu walks in the bar...