Bill Clinton dies and, given the life he led, ends up in Hell. But Satan takes pity on him and says, “Sucks to be you, but I’ll tell you what. You can have your choice of three different ways to spend eternity here.” Satan points him toward three doors and tells him that behind each door is a different hellish alternative. Clinton first goes for the one on the left (surprise, surprise)... he opens it and is horrified to see a vast sea of boiling oil... sinners are thrashing about, howling in agony. He slams it shut and cries, “Holy crap, Mr. Devil, sir, that’s horrible, I can’t take that nohow!” Next he turns to the one in the middle (yep, that’s our Bill!)... he opens it, and gazes out into a vast frozen wasteland... the damned are naked and shivering... they can’t even scream, it’s so cold... their limbs are breaking and falling off. Bill closes the door and turns to face Satan, white as a sheet. “Oh holy cats, Satan, this next one better be alright, cuz there’s no way I can take that.” Heaving a fearful sigh, he opens the third door. He squints down a staircase into a murky dungeon. He can make out the naked figure of a man chained to a wall, spread-eagle and buck-naked. It... it’s Kenneth Starr! And down on her knees in front of him, doing her thing, is Monica Lewinsky! Clinton turns back to Sstan, overjoyed. “Ah, man, Devil, ole buddy, I done hit the jackpot! Got me some of that goodness in life and that’s JUST how I want to spend eternity!” Satan nods to Clinton and smiles, then steps to the head of the stairs and calls down, “Miss Lewinsky, your replacement has arrived!”
Are you Obama’s speechwriter?
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
Here are three jokes:
Obama, Biden, Congress!
Unfortunately, I can’t laugh at them. In fact, it is hard to stop crying for my country.
Q: What did the mullah say to the suicide bomber?
A: Great work, Omar. You’re the bomb!
-What do a parrot, a ferret, and Joe Biden have in common? One’s related to a loon, one’s related to a weasel, and one’s related to both.
-Heaven is when the police are English, the cooks are Italian, the government officials are German, the bankers are Swiss, and the brewers are Irish.
Hell is when they’re all Arabs
(Well, minus the cooks...Middle Eastern food is actually quite good)
...or maybe when the bankers are American?
Joke #1: Eleanor is on a train moving to her seat when she bumps into a drunk. The drunk exclaims "Eleanor! You've got to be the most damn ugly woman I've ever laid eyes on."
Now Eleanor was used to remarks about her less than attractive looks, so she shot back "And, you, mister, have got to be the most drunken disgusting bum who has ever crossed my path!"
"Yep!", said the drunk, "But tomorrow, I'll be sober."
Joke #2: Eleanor was campaigning in a small midwestern town. A little boy showed her a box with a mother cat and six newborn kittens. "They're cute", said Eleanor, "are they going to vote."
"Oh yes," said the little boy proudly "and they're all Democrats!"
Eleanor was so charmed that she asked her driver to stop by and see the little boy when they were in the area about six weeks later.
This time, the little boy brought out the kittens but told Eleanor "They're all Republicans now."
Confused, she asked the little boy what happened. "Well," said he, "They got their eyes opened since you were here last."
Uhbama, Hillary, and Schumer are on a boat. The boat sinks. Who survives?
America!
Cheesy math humor
At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a high school mathematics teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. It was later discovered that he taught the students to solve their problems with the help of radicals!
A newby and a viking kitty walk into a bar....
* * *
I guess that’s the difference between the two Messiahs.
Obama spends and Jesus saves.
* * *
Obama is NOT Jesus.
Jesus knew how to put a cabinet together.
* * *
Economic Definitions:
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.
Depression is when you lose yours.
Recovery is when Obama loses his.
* * *
The PRES(ID)ENT.
* * *
Barack Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender: Where did you get that?
Parrot: Kenya -- they're all over the place!
* * *
The Department of Defense briefed the president this morning. They told President Obama that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. Visibly shaken, he put his head in his hands and rocked from side to side for a moment. Finally, he composed himself and asked, “Just how many is a brazillion?”
It’s not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of a billion or trillion, either.
Last January President Bush went to Saudi Arabia to ask for an increase in oil output. It was unusually cold that winter and actually snowed in the Saudi capital. A snippet of conversation was recorded by the press:
President Bush: Will you please increase your oil production?
King Abdullah: When Riyadh freezes over!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now for an utterly shameless string of bad puns....
Time for my al-gebra homework again. That’ll really shaykh up my afternoon. Some of these problems involve radicals and require the use of weapons of math instruction such as calculators and compasses. Israeli cool, isn’t it? When’s the math assignment Dubai, do you know? Oman, that soon? Holy Shi’ite! My teacher is Syriasly such a Turkey. And she talks way too much; she has a tendency to Babylon about things. Yemen [yeah man], that’s right. I’m Shiraz ever. Better get my books off of Iraq and get started. First I’ll need my backpack, which is in the living room with my father; can you hand me my book Baghdad? Thanks. Iran home all the way from school on a Kabul stone path and now I’m soaked; Bah! Rain! I thought it was supposed to be Sunni today. And Tabriz made it feel even colder. I tripped and skinned my knee on the way, so now I need some Gaza and neosporin. I passed a financial institution on the occidental side of town; the West Bank. I saw some droppings from a large, deer-like animal; must’ve been Muscat. Yesterday I shah my friend Aviv throw a snowball at a classmate and hit him in the Phalanges [that Lebanese paramilitary group/the bones in your toes]; Egypt [he gipped] him alright. It was a good hit; I have to be sure to Tel Aviv he has good aim. He says he didn’t do it though; he’s in de Nile. My other friend Ku is a really fast runner and always gets ahead of me in races. I have to tell him, Ku! Wait! After homework I think I’ll practice my Qatar. I’m working on some high-pitched blues; Hijaz. I plan to have Moroccos accompany in the background. We’re having Tunis sandwiches for dinner; yuck. But if I wait too long to get downstairs, Medina [my dinner] will be cold. It looks like my mom gave my dad too much soup; now Hizbollah’s full. Tomorrow we’re going to the zoo to see all the Tigris. Yes, I khan stop with the bad jokes now.
Charles Rangel, Tim Geithner and ex-Mayor Marion Barry all paid their taxes on time.
Brack Obama and his teleprompter walk into a bar.
What’s a Barry-supporter’s kid get for Christmas?
Your kid’s bike.
What’s a Barry-supporter get every two weeks?
Your paycheck.
What is a conservative convert? A liberal who got mugged!
When Gordon Brown recently visited the US, he asked Obama if it was true that he was born in a log cabin. Obama replied ,”No, I was born in a manger”.
Heard they had to recall the new Obama quarters. They kept getting stuck in vending machines......something about the ears.