A DOGGY
CHRISTMAS
Red Neck’s Dog Glossary
German Shepherd--Poh-leece Dawg
Poodle--Circus Dawg
St. Bernard--Thank Gawd, Here Comes the Whiskey Dawg
Doberman--Bad A** Dawg, or Dobimin Pincher
Beagle--Rabiit Dawg
Rottweiler--Bad A** and Mean As He** Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
Yellow Lab--Ol' Yeller Dawg
Black Lab--Duck Fetchin' Dog
Greyhound--Greased Lightnin' Dawg
Malinois--Another type of Poh-leece Dawg
Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.--Prized Coon Dawgs
Pekinese--Mop Dawgs
Chinese Crested--Nekkid Dawg
Dachsund--Wienie Dawg
Siberian Huskey--Sled Pullin' Dawg
Bouvier, Komodor--"What the He** Kinda Dawg is That?"
Great Dane, Mastiff--Danged BIG Dawg
And dog that raids the henhouse--Egg-sucking Dawg
And lazy dog--Good fer nothin' Dawg
And dog that's died and been buried--Best danged Dawg I ever had.
The top 10 ways you know that Martha Stewart
is stalking your dog
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from his/her collar.
9. The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in his/her new silver water bowl.
5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out
with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of his/her crate.
2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a
thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted sweater with matching boots.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW THAT MARTHA STEWART
IS STALKING YOUR DOG IS...
1. The dog droppings in your back yard have been sculpted into swans.
Reasons Why Dogs Don't Drive
10. Keep wanting to fetch the 'stick shift'
9. Have not yet invented 'squished cat' hood ornaments
8. There's never a fire hydrant when you need one on those long road trips
7. Much more sophisticated to use a well-trained human chauffeur
6. They haven't invented a car where you can hang your head
out the window and still reach the gas pedal
5. Can't get your learner's permit until you're 14! That's 98 in dog years!
4. Cats would just learn to use the pedestrian overpasses anyway.
3. No oposable thumbs mean we can't use the 'drive-up' banking machines
2. Saw that Herbie movie as a young pup and are still scared of cars
1. Could never ever live with the guilt of running
over Uncle Rover while he was chasing the car!
