[tomkow6]

Today's FEEBLE

YOKE:

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.


They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[MEG33]

ROFLOL!

[Soaring Feather]

yolk for the day!

ROTFLOL

[MeekMom]

re; 993
LOL You loon! LOL

[Lady Jag]

Neckna envies me.

 

 

Lady Jag’s Personal Horrorscope for Tuesday, August 19, 2008 If life on Earth were to evaporate, and the planet be visited by alien anthropologists, they will wonder at the regularity with which they find brown bottles and aluminum cans in the hollow spaces of concrete walls, and they will conclude that these artifacts represent some sort of offering to some kind of deity with the short name "Beer" and they will discover that the Delphic oracle for this God was no doubt a place called "Milwaukee" since it will be there that they will find where most of the icons to this God were created.

---

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

More trouble with that annoying "bluebird of happiness" today. With any luck, the cat will get it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad." It's something to do.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you'll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call "Texa-Bonics."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You'll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it's because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you've had to say about the weather lately.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from annihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don't, if you're going to be stuffy. It's your life.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light that will turn out to be all it is.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.

 

 

[Lady Jag]

HOW TO TALK TO A PEACE RALLY DEMONSTRATOR

What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by mushy-minded leftist-indoctrinated college idiots, to teach them why force is sometimes needed:

1) Approach the ignorant student talking about "peace" and saying there should be, "no retaliation."

2) Engage in brief conversation; ask if military force is appropriate.

3) When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"

4) Wait until he says something to the effect of, "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."

5) When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.

6) When he gets back up to up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would, "be awful and he should not cause more violence."

7) Wait until he agrees that he has pledged not to commit additional violence.

8) Punch him in the face again, harder this time.

Repeat steps 5 through 8 until they understand that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.