Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
High winds today. Good day to try out your new cement kite!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will rescue several hostages from a life-or-death situation, using only a banana milkshake and a length of twine. Film at 11.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid." And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will have a nightmare tonight, in which you find yourself dangling from the ceiling, while brightly colored paper maché animals with glowing eyes file into the room. One of them will be carrying a stick. Perhaps you shouldn't eat so much candy before going to bed?
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of "despot"? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a ridiculous hat without people laughing at you.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
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