Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nose hair day.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover a hair growing in an odd place. Don't worry about it, unless the odd place is your eye.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today is the 1,750,000-year anniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You'll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
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