Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinitely while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eye blink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Stinky feet day, today. Don't go to a Japanese restaurant.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Not a good time to put all your eggs in one basket. In fact, what's this sudden egg thing about, anyway? Perhaps you should see someone.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Good day to act extremely childish.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Bring extra. You'll need it.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Another one of those excruciatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You'll need to find a present soon - you're almost out of time. Try to find a good deal on a dibble. Everybody needs a dibble. Some people even like a double dibble, but if you ask me, that's going too far.
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