Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip." Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you'll be able to write a killer song about it.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate ice cream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in loud voices) "You dumped the body WHERE?."
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today you will ignore the warning label on the mouthwash bottle, and will attempt to yodel while gargling. That will be a mistake.
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