Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip." Sounds like party attire to me!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don't know.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You are being watched by a large penguin. Act normal. Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You'll be feeling tired and discouraged today, but will be able to raise your spirits by pretending to be a cartoon character. ACME products may be featured, as well.
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