Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will believe a completely ridiculous hoax about a computer virus today and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good time to be unspecific. Instead of being a day late and a dollar short, for example, just try to be late and short. See how much easier that is?
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You'll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you'll take up rice throwing as a hobby. "It's not just for weddings any more," you'll say.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will discover a horror almost beyond imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Folderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Beware of clams, today.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A good day to start getting your affairs in order. You shouldn't be having affairs anyway, so the least you can do is tidy them up.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Avoid yodeling today.
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