Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will find solace, and it won't look at all like you expected.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it's more of a smirk.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken." It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
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