Here, get thee to a Punnery:
- Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
- Income Tax: Capital punishment.
- A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
- "Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that all you think about?"
- Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
- To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
- A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.
- Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
- Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
- Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?
- Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common? A: They both involve sandy claws.
- Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
- Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
- Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
- Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.
- The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could No longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear Case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
- Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"
- Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He strained himself.
-California smog test: Can UCLA?
