"Well, I just came over to this wonderful country a few weeks ago but I left my two dear brothers back in the old country. When I left we agreed that we'd maintain our family ties by taking a drink at the same time every Friday. So I order one for me and one for each of my brothers. They're together over in Ireland with an extra shot for me."
The bartender is pretty impressed by this fraternal show of affection and soon starts readying the three shots before his Irish patron arrives each week.
One week the Irishman comes in at his usual time but pushes one of the shots back across the bar and says, "I won't be needing this one today."
The bartender is visibly upset at this and asks, "There's nothing wrong with one of your brothers, is there?"
"No, 'tis nothing like that," he replies. "It's just that, you see, I'm giving up drinking."
Shalom.
The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there pal?"
"It’s a mongoose."
"What have you got that for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."