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Eighteen important things learned about life from action adventure films:

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

3. There are two kinds of women in the world: one type want to go to bed with you, the other type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4. If I argue with my boss (or shoot him) in front of my coworkers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is clueless or a sissy.

9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

9b. Corollary to 9 (above). If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy, neither of us will lose any teeth, suffer any broken bones or experience rupture of any organs and/or significant hemorrhaging.

10. My archenemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, will not thrash around or make embarrassing sounds of any sort, and I will never be arrested or engaged in prolonged litigation by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended to by a beautiful woman (see #7, above).

12. If white, I will befriend at least one black guy, or, if black, one white guy. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.

13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, his hair will be frizzy and unkempt, and he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17. If my opponent has a sidekick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'

18. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.