LOL!!! I was reading it outloud to my husband and just dying! My face hurt from laughing to hard. Especially when I got to "If Ace's Scar begins to smoke get away immediately."
My favorite line is:
"Ace's Scar contains a liquid core, which if exposed due to rupture should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at".
All I can think is "my eyes, my eyes"!