I've only breezed through most of the posts, but did not hsee the question. Do you still LOVE your husband?
For better or worse, this is one of the worst times, right? men do not have the same emotional quotient of women, there are lines to read between.
If you still love, and want him, there is a solution.
Such as?
The solution, in this case, can only come from the cheating scum. Even if he were to do a 180, I'd be hesitant to take him back. At the very least, he'd have to agree to some major counselling and a full medical workup.
hs, get thee to a lawyer, and fast. Don't concern yourself overly with how moral a lawyer is: You must consider, before all else, your own needs and the needs of your children. You need a pitbull for legalities and a pastor for emotional support. I strongly disagree with the advice someone posted with regard to your checking up on his movements. You are going to want to document his infidelity to hell and back. Start some lists of potential witnesses who can be called to give evidence of his cheating at the evidentiary stage of the divorce, if it ever comes to that. Keep phone records, bank records, anything which can be remotely tied to his affair. Don't wait, don't trust it to memory.
DO NOT take your kids and go to live with relatives. If need be, find a relative to come live with you. Let him be the one to abandon. That seems to be his intention, but he seems to think he can have it both ways.
Sorry if I'm coming off as one who is quick to endorse the idea of ending a marriage, but I find you husband's actions and attitude truly and frankly shocking. I will never understand how a person, man or woman, can do this to their spouse and children.
Don't get a job. You have one, dear, and it is the most important job one can have.
When you do speak to a lawyer, find out what the laws are in your state regarding the role of the mistress in the affair. She may be open to a civil suit. She certainly has it coming to her.
One of the hardest things you are going to have to do, I suppose, is to decide if your marriage is truly over. Is there anything your spouse can do to make things right? If there is not, and you get to the point where you are certain of the finality of the situation, you must realize that this is so much more than the end of a relationship. In many ways it is a death, and you and your children will mourn as such. Again, I must say, I will never, ever understand how one can do this to a person that they have loved and built a life with! I'll never get it, nor do I want to understand such reprehensible actions.
My prayers are with you and your family. NEVER hesitate to reach out to your fellow FReepers for support.