Thin Mints Are Only The Beginning by Vladimir Bierko
Poor, poor Agent Bauer. Me and my associates feel for your loss. Your lovely wife Teri paid the ultimate price for her interference, and your equally lovely - and equally bitchy - daughter Kimberly's life has turned to shambles. Their transgressions have not gone unpunished, and neither will yours. For you see, Thin Mints are only the beginning.
Since you will no longer be a threat to us, allow me to enlighten you further.
Tagalongs are created in Afghanistan, and are actually spawned from the poppy seed. No American can eat just one, which is splendid. For you see, Tagalongs will cripple your work force. Already, the number of firings for "peeing hot," as your people so eloquently put it, have expanded exponentially. The American economy will crumble within weeks.
Samoas are manufactured in Uzbekistan. Since they are sympathetic to our cause, they have modified the ingredients to include crack cocaine. Samoas are part of a vast conspiracy to target the African-American male. And all this time you thought it was Ronald Reagan. Surely you must have noticed Curtis Manning's rapid weight loss.
Caramel deLites are light in calories, but high in meth content. Eat up, America, and everyone will look like Audrey Raines!
Friendship Circles are ricin-based. Delicious, but deadly!
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