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Dirty Love (always amusing Ebert 0 Star Review)
rogerebert.com ^ | 9/23/05 | Roger Ebert

Posted on 09/23/2005 7:49:46 AM PDT by Borges

"Dirty Love" wasn't written and directed, it was committed. Here is a film so pitiful, it doesn't rise to the level of badness. It is hopelessly incompetent. It stars and was scripted by Jenny McCarthy, the cheerfully sexy model who, judging by this film, is fearless, plucky and completely lacking in common sense or any instinct for self-preservation.

Yes, it takes nerve to star in a scene where you plop down in a supermarket aisle surrounded by a lake of your own menstrual blood. But to expect an audience to find that funny verges on dementia. McCarthy follows it with a scene where the cops strip-search her and she's wearing a maxi pad that would be adequate for an elephant. She doesn't need to do this. It's painful to see a pretty girl, who seems nice enough, humiliating herself on the screen. I feel sorry for her.

The film basically consists of McCarthy and her half-dressed friends Carmen Electra and Kam Heskin grouped awkwardly on the screen like high school girls in that last heedless showoff stage before a designated driver straps them in and takes them home. At times, they literally seem to be letting the camera roll while they try to think up something goofy to do. There is also a lot of crude four-letter dialogue, pronounced as if they know the words but not the music.

The plot: McCarthy plays Rebecca, who seems well-dressed and with great wheels for someone with no apparent income. She is cheated on by her boyfriend, Richard (Victor Webster), aka Dick, who looks like the model on the cover of a drugstore romance novel about a girl who doesn't know that guys who look like that spend all of their time looking like that. When she discovers his treachery, Rebecca has a grotesque emotional spasm. She weeps, wails, staggers about Hollywood Boulevard flailing her arms and screaming, crawls on the pavement, and waves her butt at strangers while begging them to ravage her because she is simultaneously worthless and wants to teach Dick a lesson. Then, to teach Dick a lesson, she dates scummy losers.

These events are directed by McCarthy's former partner John Asher and photographed by Eric Wycoff so incompetently that Todd McCarthy, the esteemed film critic of Variety, should have won the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award for generosity after writing the "whole package has a cheesy look." This movie is an affront to cheese. Also to breasts. Jenny McCarthy has a technologically splendid bosom that should, in my opinion, be put to a better use than being vomited upon.

The Carmen Electra character, meanwhile, struts around like a ho in a bad music video, speaking black street talk as if she learned it phonetically, and pulling out a gun and holding it to a man's head because she thinks, obviously, that pulling guns on guys is expected of any authentic black woman. A scene like that would be insulting in any other movie; here it possibly distracts her from doing something even more debasing.

I would like to say more, but-no, I wouldn't. I would not like to say more. I would like to say less. On the basis of "Dirty Love," I am not certain that anyone involved has ever seen a movie, or knows what one is. I would like to invite poor Jenny McCarthy up here to the Toronto Film Festival, where I am writing this review while wonderful films are playing all over town, and get her a pass, and require her to go to four movies a day until she gets the idea.


TOPICS: TV/Movies
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1 posted on 09/23/2005 7:49:47 AM PDT by Borges
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To: Borges

THAT is hysterical - perhaps the worst movie review of all time. 'This is an affront to cheese.' ROFLMAO!!!!


2 posted on 09/23/2005 7:55:29 AM PDT by Dems_R_Losers (2,4,6,8 - a burka makes me look overweight!)
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To: Borges
Ebert is a dirty socialist and a terrible, TERRIBLE writer.
3 posted on 09/23/2005 7:56:04 AM PDT by jdm
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To: Borges

Jenny McCarthy is SO 1997...


4 posted on 09/23/2005 7:56:48 AM PDT by Sam's Army
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To: jdm

I always thought he was a good prose stylist. And a great critic when he's on.


5 posted on 09/23/2005 8:00:35 AM PDT by Borges
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To: jdm
And if you check "celebatheist.com" you'll find his name listed along with those of Marx,Lenin,Stalin and Castro,Mao and Pol Pot.

Somehow,however,they missed Howie Dean's name.I guess that means that being a "Unitarian/Universalist" doesn't
count as being an atheist.

6 posted on 09/23/2005 8:01:47 AM PDT by Gay State Conservative
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To: Gay State Conservative

There's also quite a few atheist/agnostic Freepers.


7 posted on 09/23/2005 8:05:33 AM PDT by Borges
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To: Gay State Conservative
And if you check "celebatheist.com" you'll find his name listed along with those of Marx,Lenin,Stalin and Castro,Mao and Pol Pot.

Are you sure about that? I know he is a terrible leftist, but he did give "Passion of the Christ" 4 stars, and talked about his catholicism.

8 posted on 09/23/2005 8:06:19 AM PDT by sharkhawk (Play me a dirge matey)
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To: Borges

You mean it's even worse than "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls?"


9 posted on 09/23/2005 8:07:25 AM PDT by dfwgator (Flower Mound, TX)
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To: sharkhawk

He was raised a Catholic. I don't know if he practices much now. You don't have to be religious to have liked that film. Lots of religious people disliked it.


10 posted on 09/23/2005 8:07:51 AM PDT by Borges
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To: jdm
Heh. Read his review of Battlefield Earth and tell me that it's not funny.
11 posted on 09/23/2005 8:15:59 AM PDT by Zeroisanumber
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To: Borges
A scene like that would be insulting in any other movie; here it possibly distracts her from doing something even more debasing.

That's pretty sharp wit from a has-been like Ebert.

12 posted on 09/23/2005 8:18:43 AM PDT by kevkrom ("Political looters" should be shot on sight)
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To: sharkhawk
Are you sure about that? I know he is a terrible leftist, but he did give "Passion of the Christ" 4 stars, and talked about his Catholicism.

Hmmm...curious.Yes,he's there (and,BTW,it's "www.celebatheists.com").Perhaps he was referring to his *former* Catholicism.

You've gotta admit that serious leftist attitudes are rarely,if ever,found in true Catholics and are often found in "pretend" Catholics (Kerry...Kennedy) and atheists.

13 posted on 09/23/2005 8:24:03 AM PDT by Gay State Conservative
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To: Borges
Yes, it takes nerve to star in a scene where you plop down in a supermarket aisle surrounded by a lake of your own menstrual blood.


14 posted on 09/23/2005 8:35:37 AM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: martin_fierro

This film was made by two no-name production companies. A big Hollywood studio wouldn't touch it.


15 posted on 09/23/2005 8:40:58 AM PDT by Borges
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To: Borges; TheBigB; Fierce Allegiance; presidio9
The film basically consists of McCarthy and her half-dressed friends Carmen Electra and Kam Heskin grouped awkwardly on the screen like high school girls

The idea looked better on paper.

16 posted on 09/23/2005 8:41:05 AM PDT by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: martin_fierro

JM is one of the few who can make Courtney Love seem classy.


17 posted on 09/23/2005 8:44:08 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (Anyone want to be on my Civil Engineers ping list? Infrequent pings only to relevant stuff.)
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To: Borges

Jenny McCarthy is a foul mouthed trashy bimbo who repeatedly displays that she has no morals or sense of what is right or wrong non any respect for herself or the youth of this Country.

Landis.


18 posted on 09/23/2005 8:50:49 AM PDT by Lunar (Is the left "for" anything good or just against everything anyone else does or says?)
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To: martin_fierro; Fierce Allegiance
Jenny McCarthy has a technologically splendid bosom

Spot-on. ;o)

I like Jenny. :o) She doesn't take herself so seriously as sooo many other Hollywooders. She knows it's her looks and boobs that has gotten her where she is, and she plays off that. She's always hilarious on any talk show.

19 posted on 09/23/2005 9:50:35 AM PDT by TheBigB (I will punch the next person who confuses "you're" and "your". Seriously. Don't test me.)
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To: TheBigB

That may be true, but she just comes off a bit too skanky, despite the exquisite assets she has.


20 posted on 09/23/2005 10:17:17 AM PDT by Fierce Allegiance (Anyone want to be on my Civil Engineers ping list? Infrequent pings only to relevant stuff.)
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