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Subject: Humour: Aircraft maintenance

> After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
>which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
>during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read
>and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half
>of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the
>gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground
>crews and engineers lack a sense of humor!
>
>Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
>submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
>engineers.(By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
>had an accident.) P = The problem logged by the pilot
>S = The solution and action taken by the engineers
>
>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>S: Evidence removed.
>
>P: DME volume unbelievably loud. (Distance Measuring equipment)
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>S: That's what they're there for.
>
>P: IFF inoperative.
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>S: Suspect you're right.
>
>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>P: Aircraft handles funny.
>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
>P: Target radar hums.
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>P: Mouse in cockpit.
>S: Cat installed.
>
>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
>pounding
>on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget.