Replies

The Christmas Party

December 1st

To: All Employees

I am happy to inform you that the company Christmas party will take place on December 23 at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols … feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our manager shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchanging of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.

Merry Christmas to you and your families,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 2nd

To: All Employees;

In no way was yesterdays memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we be calling our party a "Holiday party" The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your families,
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 3rd

To: All Employees:

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only", you will no longer be anonymous. In addition , forget about the gift exchanging — no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is to much money.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

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December 7th

To All Employees:

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, and Lesbians do not have to sit with the Gay men; each will have their own tables. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay mens table.

Happy now!!????

Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director

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December 9th

To: All Employees:

People, people— nothing sinister was intended by wanting our manager to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan" there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces

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December 10th

To: All Employees:

Vegetarians — I've had it with you people!! We are going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you can have salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream! I'm hearing them right now. Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!

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December 14

To: All Employees

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director