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JOHN KERRY HOSPITALIZED WITH GROIN INJURIES

Boston, MA

Sen John Kerry (D-MA) was hospitalized yesterday with severe groin injuries following an attempt at one final, acrobatic flip-flop, claiming respect for President Bush and a hope that they could work together in the future while delivering his concession speech. While the flip-flop was performed with the standard clumsiness that has come to be expected from Sen. Kerry, he finally achieved his desired result of coming down from on both sides of the fence. Unfortunately for Sen. Kerry, he forgot to factor in that coming down on both sides of the fence meant that his middle came down directly on it.

Sen. Kerry was rushed to a local hospital where doctors diagnosed him with severe blunt trauma injuries to the genitalia and surrounding bone structures.

"While Sen. Kerry was fortunate to not break any bones, he has suffered great injury to both testicles, deep muscle and bone contusions, and will most likely be affected with a severe case of elephantitis of the genitalia before they are truly healed," said a doctor at the hospital, who wished to remain unnamed.

Jack Shore, a Bush Campaign worker, was heard to comment at the Bush victory rally, "We always though Theresa was the only one of those two who had balls. Guess we were wrong."

President Bush expressed his condolences to Sen. Kerry and wished him a speedy recovery. Later he was overheard saying to Vice President Dick Cheney, "You know, Dick, I really do feel sorry for the sonofabitch. But I can't help but laugh when I think about him finishing that consession speech sounding like Mickey Mouse."

The only comment to the press from the Kerry camp, a sussinct, "Go f*** yourselves," was delivered by Mrs. Heinz-Kerry in the hospital waiting room.