Spouse Moved Out and I am Picking Up the Pieces, How did you manage starting out again

11.19.03 | self

[ntnychik]

We have a legal separation in the works. Everything is worked out. I get the houses and he gets his retirement accout.

If your houses are not fully paid off your situation means "he gets his retirement" and you get the mortgage payments and property taxes. He has an asset, you get expenses. For you to have an asset, you'd have to sell the house and make a profit. Then, where would you live?

You might want to try a second opinion on the terms of the legal situation, and pay a visit to a reputable certified financial advisor. Don't assume that the legal system will necessarily look out for your interests. You must do that yourself and make sure you have a lawyer who will, too.

Try not to let your worries disrupt your sleep. That will drag you down and be accumulative, affecting your health.

The children must carry their share of the load. If you don't wish to put them in public or private school, you might want to team up with other home-schoolers.

Please forgive me if I'm too forward, but I strongly recommend the book, "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood, 1985, St. Martin's Press. This book changed my life and many others'. From the flyleaf: "If being in love means being in pain, this book was written for you." If you privately let me know how to reach you, I'll send you my copy.

Take care, dear, we care about you.

[k2blader]

You and your children are in my prayers.

It's obvious your schedule is tight, but try your best to join yourself and your children to a loving church family. Relationships will grow slowly, but when they take root, your church friends, through the Lord's goodness, will be able to provide the prayer/emotional/mental/physical support you and your children will need in the time to come.

Fregards,

k2

[YaYa123]

I was hoping I didn't sound too harsh, then I read your "There is no clarity."

There IS clarity. He moved out, he hasn't come back, and now he's made it clear he ain't gonna. Count your blessings!

You've gotten some solid advice here, most specifically # 5 from tet, and the others who've gently advised you to stop playing at super mom with the home schooling/fulltime work. No wonder you're exhausted.

Get legal and professional advice. Fingers crossed you already have.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

You need people who will listen, but who will also have the wisdom to know when to tell you "enough."


I agree. I am angry and hurt and can wrap myself in knots.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

We worked with a marriage counselor to get to the point where we could separate so I could feel financially and emotionally safe.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I am fifty. I feel very old tonight.

[TXnMA]

When I approached my church for help, the pastor bailed. He wanted no part of the situation, and as a consequence I haven't been back there since.

Fortunately, Jackbill's experience is a relative rarity ( and we don't know all sides of his story...)

Pastors are human, too; some of them disappoint from time to time.

Besides... it is God's PEOPLE who have come through for us when times are tough -- and, fortunately for us, our pastors have been great, too. Don't let one negative comment steer you away from the best support you can get: a loving church.

[BushCountry]

Since you asked, here is my 2 cents worth. Lighten your load.

1. Egads, I can't believe I am saying this, but quit home schooling. Supplement your childern's public education with good parenting (my 7th grade twins go to public school and are reading at a 12th grade level. The boy has a decent understanding of electronics and is starting computer programming. The girl loves music and plays a mean guitar).

2. Don't move someone into your house. It will not work out. The rent is not going to be worth the aggravation.

3. Don't have/avoid a serious relationship for at least 2 years.

4. Find/create a job that you really enjoy and a fun hobby to do with the kids. If you create the job, the kids would like to help out and would want to participate in this part of your life. My kids love working with me and enjoy earning their own money.

5. Have a pre-planned family night at least once a week.

6. Dump the hubby. Once you rid yourself of this burden, you can be free. By being free can you will be able to have meaningful relationship on your own terms, that is, if you so choose. Warning: You will love your freedom!

7. Think of this as the beginning, not the end.

8. Pray to God, but don't depend on him. God helps those that help themselves.

9. Remove the Fork, there is still some life in ya! };O)

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

pretend that the husband is dead and if he provides support in any way consider it a gift and a blessing

Thanks for saying that....I am just beginning to figure that out. I don't ask for anything anymore... just let him provide his share of the money.

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

It's good that you and the kids are seeing a counselor. I don't know the details and it's not important for any of us to know, but if there was ongoing difficulty for three years then the kids will be affected either way. Therapy is good. Keep their schedules and homelife as normal as possible. Can you ask the other homeschooling mom to help you out in the short-term? I also like the idea of a church school. They may be willing to offer lower rates to families in crisis.

Long-term it would be a good idea to get involved with groups and individuals (particularly male) who will provide a positive male role model for your children. You don't want them to think all men are irresponsible.

I don't know if your husband's problem is alcoholism, lying, etc, whatever. First thing, protect the money. CHANGE YOUR CHECKING AND SAVINGS ACCOUNTS. My ex accessed my savings to take his new girlfriend to Las Vegas. You learn things about a person during a divorce which you never expected. Protect yourself financially first!

Second, get a lawyer. He is obligated to pay child support which could pay tuition for a church school and the kids' therapy bills. He may have skipped out on the family but he cannot legally abdicate his responsibilities. Your soon to be ex may have hidden money away somewhere. He has had months to plan his exit. A private investigator could be useful.

Once you get your kids stablized you might want to consider changing jobs or job hours to coincide with childrens' school schedules and provide a consistent daily routine. There are support groups out there for single parents. Restructure your life so you can build a good support system through church, friends, social organizations, etc.

There will come a time when you will see this as the beginning of a new life.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I'm hoping you're also talking about all this with your kids...

We are talking, I have world's best kid. My son is taking this hard and is destructive. He is in the middle of a workup and we are all in family counseling (the children and I)

[bvw]

Well, what borught you to the point to asking for help on FR? You seem have things pretty well-managed.

Do you have any friends you see a few times a week -- in person? You know, going over there house to relax and hang out and do this or that together friends?

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I think I would consider your case special. A stressed out mom may not be a good teacher. If the public schools in your area are tolerable, perhaps a year or two of public school would not be so bad for the kiddos. Give you time to get your feet on the ground.

I might put the younger ones in next autumn. I have room to offer room and board to a homeschooling mom with one or two kids.

[bvw]

How is your son destructive?

[jackbill]

Fortunately, Jackbill's experience is a relative rarity ( and we don't know all sides of his story...)

Pastors are human, too; some of them disappoint from time to time.

Besides... it is God's PEOPLE who have come through for us when times are tough -- and, fortunately for us, our pastors have been great, too. Don't let one negative comment steer you away from the best support you can get: a loving church.

For thirty years I've, from time to time, wondered about the "other side". Perhaps my four sons could give you some indication of just what that has been, with a mother who totally ignores them until she "needs" something.

That said, the best "support you can get" is your own inner strength. That's my opinion. Nobody can do it for you. You have to do it yourself.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

In the interim, some of your kids are old enough to learn the real meaning of CHORES. You can't do it all yourself.


Sadly, my oldest two are daily pinch hitters. I am so tired that if they don't do it except for laudry and shopping, it doesnt get done.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

And you are in the company of a really remarkable on-line community.


I know. That is why after great thought, I decided to post this.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

The attorney is good. I am fortunate.

[Sabertooth]

I agree. I am angry and hurt and can wrap myself in knots.

I know, I've been there.

I can't speak about whether you should try to reconcile, wait and see, or get a restraining order. I'm not in a position to know, but especially with kids, you need to be absolutely certain before closing the door on reconciliation, while at the same time protecting them in the event you don't reconcile. It's a tough balance, and you'll probably make some mistakes along the way before your decsision is clear. Don't beat yourself up when that happens.

Try to seek out a small few of the wisest, most serene people you know, and confide mainly in them. You need people who will advocate wisdom in your circumstance, and who won't take a personal stake in any preconceived outcome.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

No bad situation lasts forever. I will say that the one thing that remains and is stronger than ever is my faith in God. He put people in my path and opportunities in my way when the time was right.

You are right. Sixteen years after leaving the job market, I admit I picked up a masters in the interim, I found the job I didn't want that gave me the hours and more money than the jobs I wanted. And the market was glutted. It took me a long time to see my good fortune becasue I was still spitting nails. but that was a long time ago.....