Saturday night is for humor, tawdry or not.
“Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.” -Professor Irwin Corey
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her
period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore
and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who was the pig
that did this to you? I want to know!’
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a
Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
the car and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them: ‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll
take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for
the rest of her life..
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail
stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank
account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun,
places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him.
‘You gonna try again.’
I should know better than to do BBQ just before going to bed...
One night, right after gorging on chili dogs & brat’s, I dozed off and quickly realized I was in Dreamland. All of a sudden, this huge green talking blob appears, screeching and snarling and spewing all over me (well, virtually anyway). In fright, I remember asking- “What .. WHAT ARE YOU?!”
The spectre replied: “I’m your wurst nightmare, of course.”
"Oh, Lord," he said. "Brigitte will be furious when she sees this mess."
"Not to worry, mate," the guy sitting next to him said. "Just tuck a 5 dollar bill in your pocket. Tell her the guy next to you at the bar did it and paid you for the laundry. Trust me, there'll be no problem."
Closing time finally came and Seamus stumbled home.
Brigitte was waiting at the door.
"So, there you are, you good-for-nothing. And what's that all over your shirt?"
"Oh, the guy next to me at the bar did that. Reach in my shirt pocket and there's a fiver he gave me for the laundry."
"What's this?" she says. "There's ten bucks here."
"Oh, I almost forgot. He sh*t in my pants, too."
Two blondes....one on the east bank of a river, the other on the west bank. The blonde on the west bank hollers to the other blonde, “HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE Of THE RIVER ?” the blonde answers, “YOU ALREADY ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!”
Just who was the sadist that put the “s” in “lisp”?
The rancher tells the feds, “I don't think you should be going into that field”
FBI guy pulls out his badge and says: “See this ? This says we can go anywhere we want without question”
FBI guys hit the field and the next thing you know, they're being chased outta the field by a bull.
The rancher screams to the FBI guys..”Show him your badges ! Show him your badges !”
Last night my neighbor knocked on my door at 2:00 in the morning! Lucky for him I was still up playing my accordion.
Bump
Buddy was talking to a friend of his at lunch and mentioned that his wife was eating for two now.
His friend smiled at him and said Congratulations!
First guy say “What for? I didn’t say she was pregnant.”
What’s the difference between a whore and a cheap slutfluke?
The whore works the cost of her birth control into her product price.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: one to climb the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
A Scotsman was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.
The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run, Run!” This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scot was now excited and ready to get into the game.The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called “walk” and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely
excited now, stood up and screamed, “R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!” Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.
A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman’s embarrassment, leaned over and said, “He can’t run - he got four balls.
“The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, “Walk with prrride,mon...walk with prrride!”
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more t han one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added,
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
Obama walks into a bar, got a great big colorful parrot on his shoulder.
Barkeep walks up and says,”Man, that’s really cool. Where’d ya get it?”
Parrot says, “Africa. There’s millions of ‘em.”.
Why is Obamacare like an apple a day?
It will keep the doctor away.
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?”
The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?” She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
says softly: “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”