SNL: Fey/Poehler as Palin/Clinton THE UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT

We have obtained, through confidential sources, the UNEDITED transcript of tonight's Saturday Night Live opening sketch:

When I was told that Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight...[audience laughs]

Now I know it must be a little bit strange [audience laughs] for all of you to see the two of us together, what with me being John McCain's running mate...

And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama...as evidenced by this button (touches button) [audience laughs]

But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign...

An issue which I am, frankly, suprised to hear people suddenly care about...[audience laughs]

ANYthing. [audience laughs] I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.

And I believe that it's just God hugging us closer... [audience laughs, applauds]

But Sarah, one thing we can both agree on is that sexism should never be allowed to permeate an American election.

So please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures... [audience laughs]

And don't refer to me as a flurch- I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it... [audience laughs]

Reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like pretty, attractive, beautiful...

While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies [audience laughs] ...you know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska...

Just look at how far we've come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House, and me, Sarah Palin who is even closer. [audience laughs] Can you believe it, Hillary?

(sits with tight-lipped grimace, shakes head, no) [audience laughs] I cannot. [audience laughs]

It's truly amazing and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it's time for a woman to make it to the White House...

(spoken as a two-year-old would say it:) NOOOOO! MINE! [audience laughs] It's supposed to be mine. [audience laughs] I'm sorry, I need to say something. I didn't want a woman to be President, I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman.

And I don't want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched, and clawed, [audience laughs, applauds] through mud and barbed wire, (Fey makes gesture of cocking a lever-action rifle) and you just glided in on a dogsled wearing your pageant sash and your (Fey holds up imaginary rifle) [audience laughs, applauds] (shrill voice) Tina Fey glasses (Fey puts elbows on podium and strikes cutesy pose) and ... [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

What an amazing time we live in-- to think that just two years ago I was a small-town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capital. [audience laughs] And now I am just one heartbeat away from being the President of the United States. [audience laughs] It just goes to show that anyone can be President...

(cackles, laughs maniacally) [audience laughs] Oh my God. (laughs maniacally) Yeah. You know, Sarah,

looking back, if I could change one thing, I probably should have wanted it more. [audience laughs] (laughs maniacally again, tears piece off of podium) [audience laughs, applauds]

So, in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior...

Although it is never sexist to question female politicians' credentials- please, ask this one (gestures toward Fey) about dinosaurs. [audience laughs a little] So, in conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can't, I will loan you mine. [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

I could call you names...

I could call you names, too...however, I'd surely be banned for describing the place where you keep your head and what that makes you.

...but instead I'll just suggest that you read for comprehension.

First rule of thumb, if you live in a glass house, refrain from rock throwing...Second rule, be certain that you understand the meaning of 'big' words before you toss them around.

'Cause anyone that thinks at this time, in this election cycle, it was 'fair' as long as the SNL skit slammed Sarah & hillary 'somewhat' equally, then that person has zero comprehension abilities. Period.

Obama escaped unscathed, he was totally given a free pass. I suppose in your crazy world of reasoning a skit ridiculing Obama & Romney would have been fair to Obama, huh?

So, try this for comprehension...only a fool argues with an idiot and you have proved that if I continue with an attempt to rationalize with the likes of you, then I am definitely a fool.

And a fool, I am not...so, carry on [as I am sure you will] but, do it without me.

I bid you a fond farewell, minus the fond...

PS...Maybe you should dump your keyboard & go back to the piano, it was rather boring, but, did show an element of skill, something you haven't shown here.

YZ: I could call you names...

T2TR: I could call you names, too...however, I'd surely be banned for describing the place where you keep your head and what that makes you.

YZ:...but instead I'll just suggest that you read for comprehension.

T2TR: First rule of thumb, if you live in a glass house, refrain from rock throwing...Second rule, be certain that you understand the meaning of 'big' words before you toss them around.

Sighs.

I was taking issue with your evident fixation upon the fact that 0bama wasn't mentioned in a comedy sketch that was clearly written around a joint appearance of Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton, and involved dialogue BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM.

Do you know what "off-topic" means?

Mentions of McCain, 0bama or Biden would only have detracted from the quality, timing and sharpness of the repartee between the two characters.

Think Abbott and Costello doing "Who's On First".

You're all bent out of shape because they didn't mention Yogi Berra.

T2TR: 'Cause anyone that thinks at this time, in this election cycle, it was 'fair' as long as the SNL skit slammed Sarah & hillary 'somewhat' equally, then that person has zero comprehension abilities. Period.

T2TR: Obama escaped unscathed, he was totally given a free pass. I suppose in your crazy world of reasoning a skit ridiculing Obama & Romney would have been fair to Obama, huh?

I'm going to say this again, and slowly.

The sketch was about SARAH PALIN and HILLARY CLINTON.

0bama was not mentioned because it would have detracted from the quality of the sketch.

Biden was not mentioned because it would have detracted from the quality of the sketch.

And, at the risk of being both repetitious and boring to the other readers of this post, McCain was not mentioned because if would have detracted from the quality of the sketch.

Found a clue yet? The fact that you seem to have a bug up your ass because they didn't mention Obama, is well, just weird. T2TR: So, try this for comprehension...only a fool argues with an idiot and you have proved that if I continue with an attempt to rationalize with the likes of you, then I am definitely a fool.

You have not proven that I'm an idiot. The only think you've proven is that you're incapable of comprehending proper context for a comedy sketch and recognizing the components that are required with respect to the writing of a good give-and-take dialogue between two individuals.

Yes, they made Sarah Palin come off as somewhat of a bimbo.

And they made Hillary Clinton come off as a power-crazed bitch who felt that she "deserved" the top slot on the Democratic ticket for 2008.

T2TR: And a fool, I am not...so, carry on [as I am sure you will] but, do it without me.

IMHO, you've not proven otherwise.

T2TR: I bid you a fond farewell, minus the fond...

I looked you up.

I was about to excoriate you for only being a responder and not actually contributing any content to FR besides your comments, but I actually found, to my surprise that you regurgitated a Fox News article to FR on 06-SEP-2008.

Ever tried putting together any ORIGINAL content and posting it here for others to critique? I have.

Where's YOUR blog, bucko?

Give it a shot, assuming you have both the creativity and the cojones to do so.

Otherwise STFU.

I will eagerly await your erudite scrivenings.

T2TR: PS...Maybe you should dump your keyboard & go back to the piano, it was rather boring, but, did show an element of skill, something you haven't shown here.

Kind of cute, in a pathetic way, but it's a non sequitur.

One of us is an idiot.

And I'm willing to let our fellow Freepers weigh in on which one of us it is.

Oh- one last thing. News reports are saying that Palin thought the sketch was a hoot.

From CBS News:

From CBS News' Scott Conroy:

The true extent to which Palin-mania has come to dominate the TV news cycle hit home for me last night as I flipped through the channels on the Palin campaign’s charter flight from Reno to Denver. Within a period of about a half hour, I caught the much-anticipated debut of Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on “Saturday Night,” as well as seperate Palin documentaries on MSNBC and CNN.

Tina Fey was such a dead ringer for Palin that I was tempted to open the curtains that separate the governor and her staff from the media to make sure she was still on the plane and hadn’t managed to sneak off to Manhattan to appear live on the show.

One of the more biting pieces of satire came at the beginning of the sketch when Amy Poehler’s rendition of Hillary Clinton standing beside Palin said, "I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.”

"And I can see Russia from my house,” Fey as Palin replied.

According to her spokesperson Tracey Schmitt, the real Sarah Palin had a good laugh along with the press corps in the back of the plane and millions of Americans at home.

“She thought it was quite funny, particularly because she once dressed up as Tina Fey for Halloween,” Schmitt said.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.