SNL: Fey/Poehler as Palin/Clinton THE UNEDITED TRANSCRIPT

HotelSierra blog ^ | 13-JUN-2008 | SNL writers, I guess

[Yanni.Znaio]

We have obtained, through confidential sources, the UNEDITED transcript of tonight's Saturday Night Live opening sketch:

FEY:

When I was told that Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight...[audience laughs]

POEHLER:

And I was told that I would be addressing you alone...[audience laughs]

FEY:

Now I know it must be a little bit strange [audience laughs] for all of you to see the two of us together, what with me being John McCain's running mate...

POEHLER:

And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama...as evidenced by this button (touches button) [audience laughs]

FEY:

But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign...

POEHLER:

An issue which I am, frankly, suprised to hear people suddenly care about...[audience laughs]

FEY:

You know, Hillary and I don't agree on every...

POEHLER:

ANYthing. [audience laughs] I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.

FEY:

And I can see Russia from my house. [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

POEHLER:

I believe that global warming is caused by man...

FEY:

And I believe that it's just God hugging us closer... [audience laughs, applauds]

POEHLER:

I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine...

FEY:

And I don't know what that is... [audience laughs, applauds]

POEHLER:

But Sarah, one thing we can both agree on is that sexism should never be allowed to permeate an American election.

FEY:

So please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures... [audience laughs]

POEHLER:

And stop saying I have "cankles". [audience laughs]

FEY:

Don't refer to me as a MILF. [audience laughs, hoots]

POEHLER:

And don't refer to me as a flurch- I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it... [audience laughs]

FEY:

Reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like pretty, attractive, beautiful...

POEHLER:

Harpy, shrew...boner-shrinker... [audience laughs, applauds]

FEY:

While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies [audience laughs] ...you know, it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska...

POEHLER:

Oh boy... [audience laughs]

FEY:

What's the difference...

POEHLER:

Lipstick.

FEY:

between a hockey mom... [audience laughs]

POEHLER:

Lipstick. [audience laughs]

FEY:

and a pit bull...

POEHLER:

Lipstick. [audience laughs]

FEY:

Lipstick.

POEHLER:

There ya go. [audience laughs, applauds]

FEY:

Just look at how far we've come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House, and me, Sarah Palin who is even closer. [audience laughs] Can you believe it, Hillary?

POEHLER:

(sits with tight-lipped grimace, shakes head, no) [audience laughs] I cannot. [audience laughs]

FEY:

It's truly amazing and I think women everywhere can agree that no matter your politics, it's time for a woman to make it to the White House...

POEHLER:

(spoken as a two-year-old would say it:) NOOOOO! MINE! [audience laughs] It's supposed to be mine. [audience laughs] I'm sorry, I need to say something. I didn't want a woman to be President, I wanted to be President, and I just happen to be a woman.

And I don't want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched, and clawed, [audience laughs, applauds] through mud and barbed wire, (Fey makes gesture of cocking a lever-action rifle) and you just glided in on a dogsled wearing your pageant sash and your (Fey holds up imaginary rifle) [audience laughs, applauds] (shrill voice) Tina Fey glasses (Fey puts elbows on podium and strikes cutesy pose) and ... [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

FEY:

What an amazing time we live in-- to think that just two years ago I was a small-town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capital. [audience laughs] And now I am just one heartbeat away from being the President of the United States. [audience laughs] It just goes to show that anyone can be President...

POEHLER:

Anyone...[audience laughs] anyone... [audience laughs]anyone (laughs)

FEY:

All you have to do is want it...

POEHLER:

(cackles, laughs maniacally) [audience laughs] Oh my God. (laughs maniacally) Yeah. You know, Sarah,

looking back, if I could change one thing, I probably should have wanted it more. [audience laughs] (laughs maniacally again, tears piece off of podium) [audience laughs, applauds]

FEY:

So, in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior...

POEHLER:

Although it is never sexist to question female politicians' credentials- please, ask this one (gestures toward Fey) about dinosaurs. [audience laughs a little] So, in conclusion, I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can't, I will loan you mine. [audience laughs, applauds, cheers]

FEY:

And as we say in Alaska...

POEHLER:

We say it everywhere...

FEY, POEHLER:

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAAAY NIIIIGHT!

[jporcus]

SNL has hit a new low, which I didn’t think was possible. I actually felt sorry for Michael Phelps, such a great Olympic champion to have to be associated with this show and some of its stupid (and sometimes disgusting) material.

[beaversmom]

We only half watched the first couple of skits after the intro. It was really bad. The quiz show thing bombed big time.

[top 2 toe red]

Uh...I watched it. I watched the whole show, including the extreme hatchet job they did on Sarah on The Weekend Update...and where was ONE SINGLE barb tossed toward or about the One, the Messiah Obama?!?

[Yaelle]

I just watched it twice and thought that first skit was very funny. Fey was spot on with Palin’s accent and looks. Poehler was LOL hilarious with her sarcastic “not wanted it hard enough” part, which she rips off a piece of the podium. The two just have natural charisma together.

[top 2 toe red]

hillary is NOT RUNNING! DUH!!!

[xlib]

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/palin-hillary-open/656281/

[Yanni.Znaio]

I could call you names, but instead I'll just suggest that you read for comprehension.

Read my post #17 and my post #20.

And if you still don't get it, I can try using shorter sentences composed of smaller words.

[snarks_when_bored]

I’m still waiting for somebody to make a really funny joke about “He-who-cannot-be-mocked”.

[paudio]

I believe SNL made a skit how the media is having a love-affair with 0-bama several months ago.

[paudio]

I’m quite happy with this skit. It’s quite funny, and will be watched by many young people. They recognize those acronyms without having to google, and Palin will be part of the popular culture—if she hasn’t been already. Hopefully this makes more young people at least look at what the Republicans have to say...

[D-fendr]

Sorry to disagree but it was anti-Palin and pro-Hillary. Markedly so.

[Daffynition]

It was great! If we can’t laugh at how silly we all are .... then there’s no hope.

[snarks_when_bored]

I believe SNL made a skit how the media is having a love-affair with 0-bama several months ago.

I didn't see that, but I would surmise that it was the media that SNL was making fun of, not Obama.

[napscoordinator]

I thank you so much for posting this. I absolutely loved it. I was cracking up and they were fair to both and actually very accurate throughout the whole thing. I don’t know much about them making Ford a klutz as I do know he did fall a bit and that might be why SNL was able to make fun but they were spot on with Sarah...even Tina had her accent pretty good. Great job Saturday Night Live.

[paudio]

I didn't see that, but I would surmise that it was the media that SNL was making fun of, not Obama.

In general, yes. However, they didn't make 0bama great either. I couldn't find the complete skit, but here is the compilation with some 0bama's scenes:

Obama and Hillary on SNL

[Bernard]

And it was almost even-handed- they got digs in at everybody.

The liberals gave up on Hillary a long time ago, which is why Obama was declared the winner in the democrat nomination process. In Tina Fey's view, I don't think there is that much difference between Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton.

[paudio]

You may also want to see their McCain skit (with the real McCain):

McCain in SNL

[snarks_when_bored]

Thanks for those links. I’ll check ‘em out a bit later...

[varon]

Watching balance of broadcast now... onto a newscaster skit making fun of Palin and her family.

These people are sick.

This goes way beyond good humored parody.

Agreed, that skit was nothing more than a vehicle for vulgarity and hatred disguised as humor.

These pigs were without lipstick, that's for sure!

[Lent]

One thing to be said for SNL is they did cause the MSM to start asking “tougher” questions of Obama. It was the skit were during a debate the questioner asks Clinton who the foreign minister of Nigeria is. Clinton doesn’t know, the questioner states who it is and then asks the exact same question to Obama. That spoof had the effect of highlighting the love fest which had been going on between the MSM and Obama. The MSM has returned to its pre-SNL state though.