Top Ten Communist Jokes

Times Online ^ | June 20 2008

[eldoradude]

LMAO!

How about a contemporary one. Obama is told that 3 Brazilians have died in Iraq. Immediately, he falls to his knees facing Mecca with tears in his eyes and cries, "Bush's fault! Bush's fault!", and continues on with how the Republicans are all to blame.

He then gets up and finds his wife. He whispers, "Psst! Michelle! How many is in a brazillion?"

[VOA]

“
Top Ten Communist Jokes
“

And the greatest Communist joke...
Communism itself was a joke, but only worthy of sadness and derision.

[Hugin]

Moscow, 1970s, a Russian university student is standing with three foreign students, an American, a Rumanian, and an Israeli, when a CNN reporter and her handler approach them.

"Excuse me," the reporter asks, "but what is your opinion of the current meat shortage?"

The Russian says, "What is opinion?"

The Rumanian says, "What is meat?"

The American says, "What's a shortage?"

The Israeli says, "What is excuse me?"

[The KG9 Kid]

A Russian doctor is headed into a train station in Moscow when he meets an old friend from the university coming out of the station carrying two large suitcases.

"Igor, it's me your old friend Eugevny! How have you been these fifteen years!" the doctor says.

"Eugevny! How good to see you! I've been promoted to engineering director of the entire Soviet space program, I'm happy to say." the engineer replies as he sets down the suitcases. The doctor notices his old friend is wearing a very large modern watch covered with dials and spinning hands.

"That's a very attractive watch, Igor. Tell me what it is. Is it imported from Switzerland?"

The engineer replies "Nonsense! This is a premier example of state of the art in Soviet engineering! No watch in the world is like this one. It tells the time across 12 time zones, announces the correct time in fifteen languages, has a liquid crystal display, contains it's own miniature atomic clock for accuracy, is completely shatterproof, is designed to operate in the vacuum of space, can survive temperatures hotter than 800 degrees Celsius, waterproof to 500 meters in depth, and is sealed for up to three atmospheres!"

"That's amazing, Igor!" says the doctor, "Simply amazing! Now tell me, what's the the suitcases?"

"The batteries."

[dfwgator]

“In America, You watch TV. In Soviet Russia, TV watch YOU!” - Yakov Smirnoff

[cynwoody]

An old lady asked Gorbachev whether Communism is philosophy or science. Gorby thought for a moment and answered, “Philosophy”. “I thought so,” exclaimed the babushka, “Scientists would have tried it on animals first!”

[Hugin]

“In the Soviet Union, the future is known with certainty. It's the past that keeps changing.”

[zot]

old but still good

Yup! And hopefully not previews of American jokes.

[Dilbert56]

A Russian man waits in line at the store for over an hour. When he gets to the front of the line, he's told there is no more bread for sale. He launches into a tirade, asking what kind of government can't provide for its people. Finally, a man in a trench coat steps up behind him and tells him if he'd talked like that a few years ago, he'd have been shot.

He heads home empty-handed. His wife says: "What? They're out of bread?" He responds: "Worse, they're out of bullets."

[Turret Gunner A20]

Great — all of them.

[GOPJ]

A Russian man waits in line at the store for over an hour. When he gets to the front of the line, he's told there is no more bread for sale. He launches into a tirade, asking what kind of government can't provide for its people. Finally, a man in a trench coat steps up behind him and tells him if he'd talked like that a few years ago, he'd have been shot.

He heads home empty-handed. His wife says: "What? They're out of bread?" He responds: "Worse, they're out of bullets."

ROTFLMAO

[Dilbert56]

That’s stolen (paraphrased) from a P.J. O’Rourke book.

[KC_Conspirator]

(1980's) An American and a Soviet are talking and comparing their countries. The American says, "America is such a great country. In MY country I am free to walk up to the White House, shake my fist in the air, and yell 'Ronald Reagan is a no good SOB'".

The Soviet replies, "Ah, thats no big deal. We are free in the Soviet Union too. In MY country, I too am free to walk up to the Kremlin, shake my fist in the air, and yell 'Ronald Reagan is a no good SOB'".

[facedown]

LOL bttt

[PLMerite]

Only one I can ever remember is one from some old 80s sitcom:

“Why can’t you use the bathroom in Poland?”

“Because they’re occupied.”