Posted on 12/06/2004 12:15:08 PM PST by WuzaDem
Matthews
Im Chris Matthews, lets play Hardball. Tonightare ultra-conservative right-wing Republicans responsible for endangering the safety of the citizens of this country by stalling much-needed intelligence reform legislation for no good reason? But firstthe Middle East. With Arafat gone and an election on the way, will Israel finally get off its high horse and cut the Palestinians some slack? John Meacham is in the studio with me. John whos the road block in the Israeli government?
Meacham
Ummm
well Chris I dont know if Id use the term road block, but if youre asking who the key players are in the Israeli side then Id have to say that Ariel Sharon
Matthews
Ha! What kind of name is that
Sharon? Its spelled like a girls name. I mean come on, youve got a real mans name
John. John. Nobody could mistake you for a girl, right?
Meacham
Well Chris, I
Matthews
I mean sure, youve got those kind of girly shoulders happening but if someone was judging strictly by your name then I say youre all man.
Meacham
Well, uh, thanks but I thought we were talking about Ariel Sharon.
Matthews
Oh yeah, Sharon you know who he reminds me of?
Meacham
No I dont
Matthews
King Tut! Doesnt he remind you of King Tut?
Meacham
The Egyptian pharaoh??
Matthews
No, King Tut! Didnt you ever watch the old Batman shows back in the sixties? Victor Buono played King Tut. Theyd dress him up in this kind of whacky Egyptian costume and all these guys would carry him in on their shoulders and he always had some kind of crazy plan to kill Batman and Robin so he could take over Gotham City. Doesnt he remind you of King Tut?
Meacham
I
uhhh
I
Matthews
Alright well anyways thanks for joining us John, I always learn something when youre on the show. Lets move on now and take a look at whats happening in Congress, where intelligence legislation is apparently being harpooned by super-duper-conservative far-right-wing uber-Republican extremists. Opponents say they object to the lack of so-called border security measures that would, among other things, prevent people who cant prove theyre American citizens from obtaining drivers licenses. Im joined now by Michelle Malkin. Michelle welcome to the show.
Malkin
Thanks Chris.
Matthews
Michelle is the author of Invasion: How America Welcomes Terrorists, Criminals, and Other Foreign Menaces to Our Shores. Let me ask you this Michelle, doesnt John Meacham remind you of Agarn?
Malkin
Who?
Matthews
Agarn! You know, from F-Troop? Larry Storch played Agarn. He was always screwing something up and Forrest Tuckerhe played the Seargentwould take off his hat and give him a few whacks over the head. I mean come on--the guy looks like Agarn, doesnt he?
Malkin
I never saw the show so I really cant say, but I wanted to talk about was...
Matthews
OK, if you want to limit the topics of conversation so you dont have to get off your talking points then fair enough, well do things you way.
Malkin
Thats not what I meant
Matthews
So anyway I havent read your book, but judging by its cover Id say you take this stuff pretty seriously.
Malkin
Well Chris, the security of this country is an issue that I do take very seriously, and as I say in the book
Matthews
Yeah, I get it already. Listen, why would you want to deprive anyone of a drivers license? I mean if Im Joe six-pack and Im out there working nine to five at the factory six or seven days a week, shouldnt I be able to drive home in my Ford Pinto or whatever so I can make it in time to watch Nascar or wrestling, maybe have some meat loaf
Malkin
Im not even sure what youre talking about but I think weve gotten off the topic
Matthews
OK, well let me ask you this, do you agree with Hunter and Sensenbrener and the other far-right-wing ultra-conservative Republican extrem
Malkin
Well if youre talking about illegal aliens then I would say no. The United States government should not be issuing drivers licenses to people who are here illegally, and there are some obvious reasons for
Matthews
You know you always hear these people on the right talking about how liberals are elitists, but then when some guy out in Kansas City is forced to work three or four low-paying jobs because he cant make ends meet any more
Malkin
What has that got to do with
Matthews
Listen, I know you have an agenda here, but Im not going to let one person dominate the conversation on this show. Now youve had your say
Malkin
You havent even let me complete a sentence!
Matthews
Look, I know this trick. Its something conservatives are very good at. They monopolize the conversation, and then as soon as someone counters their argument with some real logic they start screaming that theyre not getting their enough time to talk. Lets go to Pat Cadell. Pat youve been around a long time, dont you think
(Producers voice from offstage)
Pats not here Chris.
Matthews
Where is he?
Producer
Hes with Fox News now.
Matthews
Thats too bad, I like Pat. I always get distracted when Im talking to him thoughhes got that spot on his beard that makes it look like he was eating Cream of Wheat and got a little sloppy. Maybe he should use that Just for Men gel Ha! Man, I love Cream of Wheat. I could never really tell the difference between Cream of Wheat and Cream of Rice though. How about you Michelle? Michelle? Wheres Michelle?
Producer
She left.
Matthews
Thats too bad, I always learn something from her when shes here. Well have to have her back sometime. Anyway thats it for tonight, thanks for watching Hardball and be sure to tune in tomorrow when well be talking to Senator Norm Coleman of Minnesota. Hey Pat, doesnt Norm Coleman remind you of Dick Sargent from the old Bewitched show? Or was it Dick York? I could never tell those guys apart. Pat?
I know I shouldn't watch him but he's fascinating.
======
Just another arrogant, rude, liberal Dem...who cannot face the fact that he is part of the party of crime, lies, deceit, fraud, misrepresentation, spin and uselessness....and tries to blame it on others as the far-left Dems do as a matter of practice.
After he showed his stupidity and ignorance when he tried to roast little Michelle, he has been on my NEVER WATCH list. Just like C-BS, N-BS, A-BS, etc.
This is a TERRIFIC parody...as I read it I nodded my head and laughed in complete agreement- it's precisely and exactly- Chris.
Well done!
Are you sure this is a parody?
So real I could almost feel the spit.....
I agree - he was actually a lot more fun before the election. I think that took a lot of the "wind" out of his sails (I know there's a "windbag" joke in there somewhere).
Chris Matthews = Huge Barf Alert
'Nuff said.
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