An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are in a bar. Each gets a beer with a fly in it. The Englishman pushes his away and says, "Well, I'm certainly not drinking this." The Irisman removes his fly and raises his glass: "'Tis no problem at all!" The Scotsman picks up his fly and starts shaking it: "Spit it out, ya wee bugger!"
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a tree?
Leif.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs waterskiing?
Skip.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in church?
Neal.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Cigarette. (You can take it out for a drag)
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"You don't know! You weren't there!"
Q. Do you know when its bed-time at the Michael Jackson house?
A. When the big hand covers the little hand....
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.
After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences. I guess I am."
After a short while, he asked her what she was.
She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."