I NEED YOUR BAD JOKES!

none ^ | now | me

[Big Guy and Rusty 99]

Hey All,

I need all the bad jokes you can think of . . . I am being forced to do 5 minutes or so standup on the radio show I work on. (She says she doesn't want me to do it anymore, but I have a feeling she'll spring it on me again.)I want to bomb badly. It's an Andy Kaufman thing.

Thanks,

BG & R 99

[NotJustAnotherPrettyFace]

I love limericks - that's a good one!

[Erasmus]

How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your front yard?

Well, there's garbage all over the place and the trash can liners are missing.

What's big and gray and comes in quarts?

[Tennessee_Bob]

Take my ex-wife. Please!!

[NotJustAnotherPrettyFace]

Did you hear about the woman who took on-line lessons from Dionne Warwick? Apparently she was able to detect people's bad breath without coming in contact with him. Her business card had this job description:

"Super California Mystic - Expert: Halitosis"

(ducking for cover now)

[2rightsleftcoast]

I was crying from laughing so hard. Thanks.

[cajun-jack]

a dyslexic man walks into a bra

[billhilly]

Marie asked Bill if he would like bacon and eggs for breakfast. He said, "No, it must be the viagra that is taking the edge off my appetite." Around noon Marie suggests that they go down town and try out the new diner. Bill said "No", and again he said, "it must be that viagra that is taking the edge off my appetite."

Around six Marie asked if she could fix anything for Bill's dinner. He said, "No, it must be the viagra. It takes the edge off of my appetite."

Marie said, "Then get off of me, because I'm starving."

[LibertarianLiz]

My favorite non-P.C. joke (which I heard YEARS ago):

What do you get when you cross an Asian and a Puerto Rican? A: A car thief that can't drive.

[Riverman94610]

Clinton goes to hell.The Devil is showing him around so he can choose a permanent room.In the first room he sees Pat Robertson nailed to a cross.Clinton says"Not that room,Devil.
The Devil takes Clinton to a second room where he sees Jesse Jackson boiling in oil.Clinton jumps back and says"not there either!"
The Devil takes him to the third room where Monica Lewinsky is performing her famous talent on Pat Buchanan.Clinton,all excited about past pleasures,tells the Devil"THIS is the room where I want to spend eternity"
The Devil says"Ok,Monica,you can leave now.Your'e relief is here."

What do Chistine Mc Auliffe and Donna Rice have in common?
They both went down on the challenger.

Did you hear about the new song collaboration between Elton John and Michael Jackson?
Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me

What is the difference between OJ Simpson and John Elway?
OJ DROVE a slow white Bronco.Elway IS a slow white Bronco.

You hear about the gay electrician?
He blew a fuse

[maxwell]

[rubs hands together gleefully]

WAAALLLLLLLL lemme see what we got here...

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for...It is about time you became informed!

{A} - - Almost Boobs
{B} - - Barely there.
{C} - - Can't Complain!
{D} - - Damn!
{DD} - Double damn!
{E} - - ENORMOUS!
{F} - - Fake.

-------------

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.

-------------

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff...I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls of her panties and asks me to pull of my shorts...so I did Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says "Now go to town, cowboy..." "And, here I am."

Blonde Men do exist!

[Pagey]

LOL BUMP!

[NeoCaveman]

2 blondes walked into a bar, the brunette ducked.

[ATOMIC_PUNK]

[Q] Why did Bill clinton cross the road

[A] Cause his d*** was stuck in the chicken

[stylin19a]

Sister Mary Vincent walks into the liquor store and asks for a 5th of Blackberry Brandy

The owner is a little concerned: "Sister, you really should'nt be buying this"
Sister: "Don't worry, this for Mother Superior's constipation".

Owner sells her the 5th.

About 2 hours later, there is singing and dancing outside the liquor stor. The owner sees Sister Mary Vincent, drunker than a sailor on shore leave."

Owner: "Sister, I thought you said the brandy was for Mother Superior's constipation"?
Sister: It is...when she sees me ...she's gunna sh$t !

[tje]

What do you call a guy with not arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

[GOPyouth]

Lysdexia for cure found.

[GOPyouth]

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic Jew? He would always walking around saying "yo!"

[pfflier]

A priest, a rabbi, a clown and a peg-legged cowboy walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "is this a joke?"

[TJFLSTRAT]

A woman with her two children in tow, walks into a store, up to the counter and says :"hello I would like two pounds of your best Polish Kilbasa {spelling}", the clerk responds;" ahhhh you must be polish". With a suprised look, the woman retorts :" well sir, if I had asked for two pounds of Italian sausage, would I automaticly be Italian?, if I wanted some Hebrew National franks, does that make me a jew?, If I had asked for your best German bratwurst, am I now German??!!!!the Clerk says......"lady this is HARDWARE STORE!

[Billthedrill]

A girl walks across campus wearing a letterman's jacket. Guy walks up to her, points at it, and says "you shouldn't be wearing that. Don't you know you only get to wear one of those if you've made the team?"

"Yes," she said.