Free Republic

Knockity knock! Oh hi there! I was out shooting caribou on the Arctic Cat and saw your synapse lights on, and so I said to myself, "now, gosh darn it, Sarah, you've been living inside this nice person's cerebral cortex for, what is it, almost two years now? By golly, it's about time you dropped in at their frontal lobe with a plate of your famous homemade Alaska welcome wagon cookies and introduced yourself." Continued here...

The subprime mortgage crisis rocked Wall Street again last week, spurring federal bailouts and takeovers of several large financial institutions - including Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG Insurance, Lehman Brothers and Bear Stearns. Americans are asking the tough questions -- how will this affect me? and, where do I get my bailout check?  To help understand the issues Dave travels to TGIFriday's Happy Hour for a spirited roundtable debate with guest financial expert Linda Mustaine from First Coralville Mortgage, and next-door neighbor Craig Evers. DAVE BURGE, IOWAHAWKLinda, we both know that credit is the lifeblood of the American economy. But...

Two weeks ago cities across Iowa were inundated by record floods. Now, as the waters recede, some Iowans are finding themselves victimized again -- by their state's self-destructive work ethic. Blogger / flood victim Dave Burge reports from the scene. Iowa's forgotten flood victims - Dave and friends As an Iowan and the proud owner of two big screen LCDs from Coralville Rent-A-Center, I've seen my share of weather disasters. But, even with full 1080p HD, I never really stopped to think that it could happen to me. So when the floodwaters of the Iowa River reached my own...

The TV police drama genre saw a major overhaul in 1970's, taking on a darker, grittier tone that reflected urban realities of the time. Spurred by the success of programs like "Torino Squad" (starring Lash La Douche of the hit western "Johnny Nuance") and the campus drama "Chutch," NBC debuted the hard-hitting undercover cop series "Makaniak" in October 1975. The short-lived program starred Tony Arizona as maverick police detective Leo Makaniak, a tough-as-nails, dissolutioned Vietnam vet who gains access to the city's seamy drug and prostitution underworld through tough street talk, a burly fu manchu, and skilled car hood-sliding. "Makaniak"...

An Iowahawk Salute to America's Corn-Crazy Electoral Overlords Every four years, America kicks off its time-honored democratic ritual of selecting the next president of the United States. As always this process begins with the Iowa Caucuses, which will have an important say in determining the final nominees. And, as always, this process is marked by another time-honored ritual: millions of angry non-Iowans asking, "who died and made that stupid state God?" As a native of the Hawkeye State, with family roots stretching five generations deep into the fertile black topsoil of America's heartland pork basket, I have roll my eyes...

An Iowahawk Economy Alert-o-GramBy David Burge The sub-prime mortgage crisis threatens to kill the dream of home ownership for millions of Americans. Here is one of their stories. As many of you know, I am a longtime resident of Lakewood Mobile Home Court, a gated community on the outskirts of Coralville. When I first moved to Lakewood in 2000, I was attracted by its affordable rental rates and many amenities, such as ample streetside parking, easy access to I-80, and a quiet, low-surveillance wooded area in which to store my automobiles and train my beloved sport dogs. At the time...

Dear   ALBERT GORE JR.  : Congratulations! On behalf of the selection committee, I am pleased to announce that you have been named a 2007 recipient of the Nobel Peace Price, in recognition of your tireless efforts to   RAISE GLOBAL CLIMATE CHANGE AWARENESS  . I am also pleased to tell you that as a winner, you have been pre-approved for membership in the Nobel Peace Player's Club, offering exclusive money-saving benefits available only to laureates like you. Please take a few minutes to look over the enclosed enrollment materials. At only $299.95 per year, I'm sure you'll agree that...

After the cancellation of the western series 'Johnny Nuance' after the 1959 season, CBS turned to the newspaper comic pages to fill its 8 pm Friday night slot. Debuting October 4, 1960, 'That Darn Sandy' featured chubby 9-year old Jay Carruthers in the title role of little Sandy Baxter, the pint-size troublemaker made popular by the Hal Langston comic strip. The series ran four seasons and added several catchphrases to the lexicon, like "gee golly whillikers, Mrs. McGrady!" and "I hope Mom and Dad can get me out of this one!" But by 1964 Carruthers had outgrown the role. At...

Emily PetersonFellow students, distinguished faculty, and honored guest; I'm Emily Peterson of the Enormous State University Student Union, and I would like to welcome all to another exciting and educational installment of ESU's Distinguished Guest Lecture Series. Today we are honored to present the remarks of His Excellency Gromulak, Overlord Chieftan of the R'Qqharbian Cess-Mutants. [raucous applause, cheering] Emily PetersonBefore we begin, I would like to remind all of you of the audience ground rules. First, please turn off all cell phones and pagers. Second, expressions of intolerance -- placards, demonstrations, coughing, or sudden movements of any kind -- will...

London - British public safety officials today increased the national alert level to "Quite Elevated Indeed" -- the highest category possible -- and appealed to UK citizens to "keep a sharp lookout for diverse people engaged in activities." "We ask the public to report any behaviors by various people that may or may not be of a suspicious nature," said Lt. Clive Jameson of the Metropolitan Police Service. "We further ask the public to be especially vigilant for activities of broad stratas of people who may be from countries of some sort, especially those within the eastern and/or western hemisphere."...

[UPDATE 05/06/07: Dedicated to the Minneapolis Star Tribune.] *************************Dear Subscriber: According to our records, your 1957 subscription to The Claxon is scheduled to expire soon. Please don't let this happen! $2 per month will buy you the Quint-State area's leading newspaper, delivered each morning by one of our cheerful Junior Claxoneer news lads -- like 12-year old Claxon Carrier of the Year Skip Olbermaier! Each issue is packed with items of interest around our community - like: Goings-on at City Hall, including the controversial $0.0032 sales tax plan! Publisher Felton Beswick Jr. keeps you up-to-date on the Red Menace! The...

In compliance with the Fairness Doctrine and other proposed federal rules aimed at balancing online media opinions, I am introducing Iowahawk's new "Equal Time" feature. From time to time, I will be opening these pages to those with opposing viewpoints, where we will be debating the various top issues of the day. Please welcome today's guest dissenter, retired US Marine Corps LTC Mike Williams, as we debate today's Equal Time question: "Should Washington Post Military Analyst William Arkin Be Beaten Like the Repulsive Sack of Sh*t He Is?" The Iowahawk View Washington Post Military Affairs correspondent William Arkin recently stirred...

[Found in a dumpster behind the Encino Galleria: first draft of historian David Bell's gripping L.A. Times OpEd] by David A. Bell IMAGINE THAT on 9/11, six hours after the assault on the twin towers and the Pentagon, terrorists had carried out a second wave of attacks on the United States, taking an additional 3,000 lives. Imagine that six hours after that, there had been yet another wave. Now imagine that the attacks had continued, every six hours, for another four years, until nearly 20 million Americans were dead. Okay, I know we’re talking a fantasy here, but just roll...

[ed. note - found in a remodeling dumpster at 48th and FDR Drive: first draft of Kofi Annan's valediction] Nearly 50 years ago, when I arrived in Minnesota as a student fresh from Africa, I had much to learn. For example, the concept of “connecting flights,” because I was actually supposed to be going to California. My cab had already plowed through several miles of Minneapolis snowdrifts before I realized my horrible mistake, but I decided to make the best of it. Over the next few years I adapted to the quaint arctic customs of the indigenous Minnesotans -- wearing...

By Byron CalameNew York Times Public Editor (Page 7 of 7) ITEM 5: BANKING DATA: OOPSIE One final note -- the job of public editor requires me to probe and question the published work and wisdom of Times journalists, even when my constant probing and poking and prodding and questioning invariably turns out to be a monumental waste of time because the work and wisdom has already been purified though layers and layers of The Times' fail-safe editorial charcoal filtering system. But here at The Times, "Qualtiy is Job One," and this means there’s an extra special responsibility for me,...

Glorious Launch of the People In the back yard of scientific researchings behind the Great Storage Shed of the People, Iowahawk scientists successfully conducted above-ground nuclear missile test explosions under secure and many malt liquor conditions on early hours of October 10, 2006, at a stirring time when alarm clocks of the neighborhood have yet to clangle. To the impotent yappings of the neighboring gangster devils, Iowahawk responds: howl away, bourgeois traitors of Lakewood Mobile Home Court! Your pitious lamentations and cowardly 911-callings will never stop Iowahawk from the great leap forward into great and powerful prosperity, using his mighty...

[ed. - Found under a pile of discarded MSNBC Nielsen Ratings: first draft of fringe cable TV superstar Keith Olberman's Howard Beale moment] By Keith OlbermannEditor and Chief, MSNBC "Meltdown with Keith Olbermann" And now, turning to the headlines. The headlines are, of course, entirely wrong. Nevermind the fonts, which are totally misleading. Thus it is surely not essential that a revered and beloved past president, pistol-whipped and sandbagged by a subhuman terrorist monkey with a microphone, finally lashed back with a raw, sinewy panther-like ferocity that sent his primate interlocutor scurrying back for the safety of Roger Ailes’ banyan...

by Omar Walid MuhammedChairman, Hezbollah Poetry Club Dear Cecila Lucas of the Berkeley in the California: I am have monitoring the infidel Little Green Footballs site where to much surprise I am to be reading your tender poems to the Hezbollah. Although they do not having the rhymes, the sweetful beauty of your many words have bringing a tear to my eye in tender feelings. They have make me wants to leap from my bunker and sing to the Zionist Colonialist controlled world of you, my beloved. Cupid has launched his Katushka of love and splatter me with the shrapnel...

Tinseltown Looks to '06 Rebound Los Angeles - As the box office closes on the US film industry's worst year since 1990, showbiz insiders are looking to a strong slate of 2006 releases to help the industry snap back from the financial doldrums. "If we've learned anything this year, it's that the market is really hungry for more good, slow, imponderable stories and dim lighting," and industry analyst Tim Jarrard of the trade journal Hollywood Reporter. "The industry has listened, and I think the public will be pleased with the direction it will be taking in 2006." Anticipated major theatrical...

A Golden Book ClassicBy Stanley "Tookie" Williams Once upon a time, down a bright sunny alley behind a magical cottage in a faraway kingdom called Compton, lived a little quacky ducky named Tookie. Tookie was brave and strong and all of the other duckies knew to respect him, because otherwise Tookie and his friend Sammy Sawed-Off would mess you up bad, understand? One day, Tookie was feeling very, very sad, because he had run out of Kools. "Who will help me get my Kools?" he said. "I will help you get your Kools!" said Blackie. So Tookie and Blackie drove...