Posted on 12/19/2007 9:16:51 AM PST by IowaHawk
An Iowahawk Salute to America's Corn-Crazy Electoral Overlords
Every four years, America kicks off its time-honored democratic ritual of selecting the next president of the United States. As always this process begins with the Iowa Caucuses, which will have an important say in determining the final nominees. And, as always, this process is marked by another time-honored ritual: millions of angry non-Iowans asking, "who died and made that stupid state God?"
As a native of the Hawkeye State, with family roots stretching five generations deep into the fertile black topsoil of America's heartland pork basket, I have roll my eyes when I hear these ignorant, envious complaints, which sometimes shows up in cruel jokes like "do you know what 'Iowa' stands for? Idiots Out Walking Around!" Hardy har har. Well guess what? You never hear Iowans joking about "Nerds Eating Weak Yellowy Overcooked Rubbery Kernels" or "Corn Appears Like It's For Old Rats, Not Iowa Animals." We could, but we don't, because we're not a bunch of jealous, insecure people with inferiority complexes about our corn production, and ear length and girth, like some 'Super Tuesday' states I could name.
Unfortunately, the jealous resentment of non-Iowa states sometimes takes a more pernicious form, such as trying to "leapfrog" Iowa by scheduling their primaries earlier and earlier. Nice try, non-Iowa states. You want to move to January 20th? Fine, we'll reschedule to the 14th. January 7, you say? We'll take Christmas Eve. No matter how early you set your political alarm clocks, Iowa will already be down in the electoral kitchen, waiting to serve you a couple of delicious sizzling strips of candidate bacon from our caucus frying pan. It's our job, and it's not like we've got anything better to do.
If you are a political activist from one of the various non-Iowa states, let me first say I understand the hurt and frustration and resentment you probably feel toward my state, and the overwhelming attention it gets during the campaign season. But I will also tell you that the most important step toward healing is acceptance: acceptance of your own natural insignificance, and the fact that Iowa will always be first because it is the one state uniquely qualified to be America's official Presidential Sniff Tester.
Let's look at the facts:
Iowans have a long tradition of political centrism borne of a strong libertarian desire to steer clear of government interference, along with an equally strong desire for federal subsidy checks to help better enjoy the government non-interference.
Eggzackly! I'm for smaller gummint myself as long as the dang welfare checks don't bounce. If'n that ain't centrism I don't know what is.
it is pretty lame that Iowa plays such a role.
Still, it is not as bad as that wierdo New Hampshire going so early.
So tell me again why Iowans are supporting Huckabee ?
If that’s what Iowa is offering the country as a product of their superior test scores, we now know how shallow that test is.
Great read, thanks. Now for an OT question. I really miss reading the reports from Z-Man, now that he’s partying ‘downstairs’ with the big red guy. Any other Jihadis likely to take over as foreign correspondent?
1. Free Ethanol-based government bible program
2. Tasty P-Funk / Bootsy Collins bass lines
(Sniff!) Yeah, me too. I think the Hawk's still in mourning. It takes time to heal, y'know...
Wrong! For your information, (a) the State Bird is the Eastern Goldfinch; and (b) the state nematode is called the corn borer.
Z-man’s gone, but Motivational Team-Builder Consultant Ayman al-Zawahiri will be back.
W00t! Someone needs to synergize the core competencies of Al-Q Inc to maximize stakeholder buy-in...
Downloadable! With animation.
Wrong, that is what i meant it to be. Iowa caucuses are irrelevant.
Some excellent points made here among them
“How fah is it to Hahvahd Yahd?” A long goddamn way from Cedar Rapids, pal. So start walking.
Iowans Are Smart. One area where Iowa is NOT moderate: the area of brains. Go ahead and snicker, but perennial statistics place Iowa at or near the top of standardized intelligence measures like the Iowa Test of Basic Skills and the Iowa City-based ACT college aptitude test. Yeah, I can hear all you crybaby inferior-intelligence states: “Waaaa! That’s because the refs are homers! Waaa!” Blubber about the refs all the way home on the short bus, Florida, because the IQ scoreboard says you just got PWN3D by the #1 Hawkeyes. Boo yeah!
That’s corn borer, to you, sir.
Tease him with the question; What’s the Iowa state rock ?
Thanks you for your heroic efforts to put the Iowa caucuses into perfect context. I know I can sleep better at night knowing these brave and noble Iowans have been entrusted to do my thinking for me.
Iowa State Rock: Non-Threatening Melodic Soft (genus Air Supply)
Starts with a “g”
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