Free Republic

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama is planning to hypnotize children across the country with his webcast! President Obama is set to deliver a live webcast to every school in the country next Tuesday, under the premise of encouraging children to do well in the coming school year. Weekly World News has discovered that the President is planning to hypnotize the children of America to indoctrinate them wtih a liberal agenda. Anonymous sources from within the White House confirm that new technology is being used to brainwash anyone who watches Obama’s webcast to become “Agents of Change.” At the beginning of...

WASHINGTON, DC – Another sex scandal has rocked a South Carolina conservative. The trail of evidence has led reporters to erotic fiction authored by Dick Cheney. Kristin Maguire, a respected South Carolina conservative, has been discovered to be the author of hardcore erotic short fiction. Maguire was the Chair of the Board of Education for years, and appointed by Mark Sanford. Investigation has uncovered several stories written by Maguire under the pen name “Bridget Keeney.” Maguire was also a devout advocate of “abstinence only” sex education. Further investigation of websites Maguire would frequent and chat room exchanges reveal even more...

I’m madder than church lady with a dirty doily! So now the government is sending out special inspectors around the country, to check out church bazaars and yard sales. How come? Because you might be selling something “dangerous”! No, not, like, pickle jars full of arsenic or live leftover shells from WWII. They mean… kids’ toys with teeny tiny parts! It’s true: the government is starting to go after thrift shops, poking through all those stinky orange muumuus and dusty Readers Digests and chipped tea cups to see if anybody is selling “blacklisted” toys and other crap. Hell, thrift shops...

I’m madder than a three-legged dog at a fire hydrant! All through that damn election, they told us Obama was the greatest speaker since Martin Luther King. But yesterday he sounded more like Mr. Rogers! Yesterday, the Teleprompter Kid was trying to explain why his whole Death Panel Medicine Plan was going down the toilet. He said: “There is something about August going into September where everybody in Washington gets all wee weed up!” I guess that’s how they teach you to talk at those fancy colleges up north! Here’s some other stuff Obama said yesterday that didn’t get reported:...

WASHINGTON, DC – Tom DeLay has announced he will be appearing on Dancing with the Stars. Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay has announced he will be competing on the 9th season of the popular dancing program. Many in Washington are in no way surprised. DeLay was House Majority Leader during George W Bush’s first term. He rose to national prominence for openly redistricting election zones to favor Republicans, and his role in the Terri Schiavo case. Lesser known is that during during his entire Washington career he remained an avid member of the amateur competitive dance circuit. While serving...

So I heard I bought some of you new cars last week! When do I get a thank you?! Yeah, I know: you think “the gubmit” gave you a new car, with that Cash for Clunkers thing. Well, who do you think “the gubmit” stole that $4500 from in the first place? Me, and the half of us still stupid enough to pay taxes! I can’t afford to buy a new car. Know why? Cuz the government took my money and gave it to YOU! I don’t get it. I read on the computer machine that these “clunker” cars are...

WASHINGTON, DC – Senator Lindsey Graham has voted in favor of Judge Sonia Sotomayor. Republicans fear he has been replaced by a pod person. For the past several weeks Lindsey Graham has been vehemently opposed to the appointment of Sonia Sotomayor. In his online blog, LindseyisaMansName.org, Graham has repeatedly claimed her judgment is clouded by racism and liberal bias. Last week he was held by police, but never charged, for some graffiti sprayed in the GOP Senator’s locker room crudely made to look like it was left by Sotomayor. He was quoted in The New Republic as saying, “Sonia Sotomayor...

WASHINGTON, DC – President Obama has invited James Crowley and Henry Louis Gates to the White House to reconcile over beers. White House staff are preparing for a late night bender. To help ease the tension brought over the unjust treatment of Professor Henry Louis Gates by the Cambridge police the President has invited them over to share beers and discuss their problems on Thursday. White House veterans realize that in order for the men to be able to discuss their feelings they will first need to get hammered drunk. In preparation staff are preparing entertainment and “drunk proofing” the...

After years of telling us not to call people “retarded” any more, the Democrats are using the word! That big fat new health care law talks about hospitals taking care of “the mentally retarded”! Between that, the United Negro College Fund and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People – can somebody tell me how we’re supposed to talk anymore? Even Obama doesn’t know. The Teleprompter Kid joked on Jay Leno that his bowling was “like the Special Olympics.” How come liberals who get mad when people say words like “retarded” are EXACTLY the same folks who made...

WASHINGTON, DC – The official copy of Barack Obama’s birth certificate was stolen this week by Republicans wishing to halt his health care reform. Earlier this week a group of conservatives stole the Presidents birth certificate, and are now holding it ransom to stall talks on Health Care reform. The group stealing the certificate was lead by Florida Representative Bill Posey. He, along with California Congressman John Campbell, led an elite squad of commandoes in a daring heist at the Honolulu hospital where the document, real or forged, was kept. Now, with the issue of his legitimacy to be President...

I’m madder than a Mexican jumping bean in a chili dog! Today they’re having meetings about that Sonya Sotomayor they want on the Supreme Court. What a disaster! The Teleprompter Kid picked a broad who had to read kids’ books in college, to fix her English! Why not just cut to the chase and appoint Mr. Rogers? I ask you: would a “wise Latina” all herself a “wise Latina” in public? Doesn’t stuff like that make her sound… stupid? If we need a Mexican on this thing, I say we treat her no different than the other ones, and make...

WASHINGTON, DC – After shutting down a resolution to honor Michael Jackson this week, Nancy Pelosi was voted House Party Pooper. Pelosi put an end to a possible resolution that would have paid tribute to the recently deceased musician this week. She claimed that Congress could express their condolences individually but such a measure would waste valuable government time. The House then passed a nearly unanimous vote naming Pelosi the House Party Pooper. The Party Pooper Resolution is merely the culmination of a long string of events in Congress. Nancy Pelosi voted down Congressional Casual Fridays last spring, and moving...

I’m madder than Winston Churchill at an A.A. meeting! Just when I figured Al Gore couldn’t get any nuttier, yesterday he made a fool of himself again. He gave a speech at some fancy British college, and told the kids that fighting global warming was like fighting Hitler. Well, global warming and World War II both had something to do with “gas”, but other than that, I don’t get it. I didn’t drop out of divinity school like Al Gore did, and I didn’t invent the internet or get a hoity toity Nobel Prize, so can somebody explain his speech...

I’m madder than an Eskimo with a busted mukluk! Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska on Friday, and I still can’t get over it. I can’t believe her red high heels won’t be clicking across our national stage anymore. I’ll never see the light flicker off her glasses again, or hear her chirpy voice, or watch her bouncy hair blow in the wind like she was the smart Charlie’s Angel. So let me get this straight: Sarah Palin resigned but Mark Sanford is staying put, Al Franken is Senator and Jesse Jackson’s still not in jail? It’s all a...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Al Franken was approved Tuesday to join the US Senate. The Democratic Party will now involve him in their secret plans. The Minnesota Supreme Court ratified Al Franken yesterday as having won the Senatorial election seven months ago. Incumbent Norm Coleman, having exhausted all legal channels except for the Minnesota Thunderdome, finally conceded the race, saying only, “Next time Franken. Next time.” The Democrats welcomed Franken into their upper echelons of power with a decoder ring and other perks. In a private ceremony involving robes and jasmine scented aromatherapy candles, Franken was sworn in as a Democrat...

COLUMBIA, SC – Governor Mark Sanford returned to work after disappearing over the weekend. Photographic evidence proves he was spending time with his Bigfoot lover. South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford sent the country into a panic this week by disappearing completely for several days. Aides to the Governor said he went hiking on the Appalachian Trail to clear his head after a tough legislative session. However, evidence confirms that the South Carolina Governor was engaging in an affair with his Sasquatch mistress. This breaking news explains why it took Sanford’s aides 9 hours to respond to reporter questions about his...

I’m madder than a lactose intolerant milkmaid! So while kids in Eye-ran were getting shot and beat up protesting that fake election, what was the Communist-in-Chief doing? Was he writing an amazing speech that would inspire the Eye-ranians, like “tear down this wall”? Maybe he was in all-day meetings figuring out to do when the wrong guy wins over there and shuts off our oil. Nope. The Teleprompter Kid went for ice cream with his kids – and making sure we all knew about it by bringing reporters along! On the campaign trail, Obama wanted to be left alone to...

Once in a while, I don’t mind that Obama too much. Sometimes he does stuff that makes me think Bush and Cheney and Rove are still running the place. Look what happened with those Chinese Muslim terrorists. Of all the places he could’ve sent those bad guys, the Teleprompter Kid picked Palau, some rinky-dink island that says it’s a real country. My nephew tells me it’s the place on that TV show where people eat bugs to win a million bucks. Well, the leaders of this island are doing even better, and they don’t even have to put up with...

I never much cared for that David Letterman fellow, and not just because his show is on way past my bedtime. But I think he’s finally lost it! The other night he made some weird joke about Sarah Palin’s 14-year-old daughter getting raped by a baseball player at a charity event. I didn’t really get it – young people today have a funny sense of humor, I guess. After some normal folks complained, Letterman said he was sorry, but not really. You could tell he didn’t think he’d done anything wrong. I’m surprised Todd Palin didn’t drive his snowmobile down...

Seems some movie star named Megan Fox did what Hollywood types do best: bad mouthing the U.S. of A. to a bunch of foreigners! Megan Fox is in some kind of giant robot movie, and she wishes that instead of destroying the world, the giant robot would “just take out all of the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people in Middle America.” This is pretty crazy, since Megan Fox herself is from Tennessee, where the smartest guy is Al Gore, a big fat idiot who wants the rest of us to use windmills while he lives in a giant...