Free Republic

I’m madder than a mongoose at a cobra convention! If those lie-berals hate Sarah Palin so much, how come they keep talking about her? I heard how that computer thing called ‘the Puffy-Eyed Post’ is saying Sarah Palin plagiarized Newt Gingrich. First off, I had to look up what “plagiarized” was, and I was scared to find out, because knowing Newt, it meant Sarah was doing something dirty to him you gotta pay a hooker double for! Boy, was I relieved when it turned out “plagiarized” just meant...

CAIRO – Obama’s speech in Cairo was a raging success. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia presented him with a special Keyboard Cat video as congratulations. Critics and Arab citizens from all walks of life are praising the speech as a positive step for US Muslim relations. King Abdullah, so impressed with the speech and its reception, had a something special made for the President. Before Obama left Cairo Abdullah presented him with a video of Obama’s controversial bow to King Abdullah being played off by Keyboard Cat. (click through to see video) The polite gesture made by Obama earlier this...

I’m madder than Count Chocula at a convention of diabetic dentists! Now I’ve heard everything! Seems the Government wants to call Cheerios a “drug”! I thought it might be because breakfast cereal has so much sugar, but it’s some stupid thing about it being a cholesterol medicine, and how big the printing is on the box or whatever. I can’t figure it out, myself, but I’ve seen little kids scarfing down Cheerios like crazy so maybe it IS a drug! Little no-neck monsters leave them tossed around our church every Sunday, too, dammit. Every time I sit in a pew...

WASHINGTON, DC – President Barack Obama is going to try to cancel all American workers’ vacations for the summer! That’s the shocking word from one White House source, who says Obama’s stunning plan is a desperate attempt to boost American’s economy and ensure reelection in 2012. “At first, people will hate Obama’s plan but in the end it’ll make him look like an economic genius,” an anonymous White House source said. “His advisers calculate the scheme will increase U.S. productivity by almost 18 percent and add at least $1.2 trillion to the Gross National Product – because employees will be...

WASHINGTON, DC – This weekend, former Vice President Dick Cheney said Rush Limbaugh was his model Republican. Thousands of young republicans around the country are making daring changes to live up to their new conservative ideal. On Face the Nation this Sunday, Dick Cheney was invited on to speak about his ideas regarding the future of the Republican Party. In this interview, Cheney stated he believed the model Republican would be popular radio host Rush Limbaugh. He went on to describe the various ways that Republicans should follow the Rush example. “Parents should be pulling their kids out of college,”...

I’m madder than a Klingon at a peace rally! Now, I don’t much follow that Star Track show, but my grandson puts it on when his mom drops him off before her bingo. So I get stuck looking at it and I’ve got a pretty good idea what it’s about. I hear a bunch of libtard writers are saying Obama is like that Spock guy. Well, I kind of see their point when it comes to him having funny ears and being a bit like a robot. But other than that, I don’t get it. Spock seems way smarter than...

WASHINGTON, DC - Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter was thrust into the national stage last week when he switched from the Republican Party to the Democrats. However Specter insists he refuses to walk any party line, as evidenced by his trademark series of ironic anti-establishment t-shirts. His first appearance as a Democrat last Friday clearly illustrated his disregard for the establishment. Senator Specter showed up at work riding a motorcycle and wearing a leather bomber jacket. Parking lot attendants confirm he was blasting Kenny Loggin’s Highway to the Danger Zone upon his arrival. In the Senate, Specter repeatedly held up proceedings...

I’m madder than Ted Kennedy at a cash bar! Today’s May 1, the big commie holiday. Yeah, there are still some commies around – old Ed didn’t kill ‘em ALL off in Korea, though I tried my damndest! Got a few of ‘em right between the eyes up on Pork Chop Hill. Those days are gone. We thought we’d beat the commies, thanks to Reagan the Great – but now there’s a commie in Reagan’s old job! Old Lady Thatcher said Reagan won the Cold War without firing a shot, but Obama won the White House without firing Hillary Clinton....

WASHINGTON, DC - The Hill was shocked as Pennsylvania’s senior Senator, Republican Arlen Specter, announced he was switching parties - because of the babes! “I mean, c’mon, seriously, where are the babes? What kind of Party have we become when Bachmann is considered our top tier?” Specter was referring to Minnesota Representative and supposed “hottie to the max” Michelle Bachmann, who gained notoriety just before the 2008 Election for inflammatory rhetoric on the campaign trail. “You can’t tell me that’s the best we can do. She looks like the Nanny. Worse, she sounds...

Just when you thought we had enough to worry about, there’s a new disease going around. We keep hearing reports from Mexican scientists – hell, I never knew they had scientists down there in the first place! What do they do all day? Predict when the Virgin Mary’s gonna show up again? Invent fart-free beans? Last time we had swine flu, Jimmy Carter was President. He gave people needles and they dropped dead! Typical: Democrats are always...

I’m madder than a drag queen who’s run out of duct tape! Poor Miss California deserved to win that beauty contest. Then tubby twinkie Perez Hilton – who doesn’t look anything like his skinny rich sister, by the way! – asked the lovely lady if she believed in gay marriage. Of course, she said no, Perez got his pocket hankie in a knot – and Miss California lost the contest! First of all: why is a lavender laddie like Perez Hilton...

President Obama and Hugo Chavez met for the first time earlier this week. Yesterday, video surfaced of Obama telling Chavez to stop calling him. President Barack Obama met Venezuela dictator Hugo Chavez in Trinidad for the Summit of the Americas. The two met formally as heads of state and politely shook hands. Chavez, eager to be associated with the internationally popular Obama, has exhibited a serious “Friend-Crush” since then. During the summit, Chavez invited Obama to get together and talk about issues regularly, despite Obama’s busy schedule. Venezuela’s offer for a Trade Relations Pool Party later this month was politely...

AUSTIN, TX – Texas has seceded from the union. Led by Governor Rick Perry, Texans and frustrated Conservatives are clamoring to Texas to start a new country. Texas’ state congress held an emergency session on Thursday, and in a 180-1 vote decided to secede from the union. Originally the Texas Senate opposed the actions of the State Congress, until the Congressmen asked if they would like to “step outside.” After a brief scuffle behind the Capitol building...

ALBANY, NY - New York Governor David Paterson is introducing legislation today which would promote same-sex marriages in the state. Political insiders believe he is being pressured to do so by the Gay Mafia, based out of New York’s Fashion District. The Gay Mafia, or the Velvet Hand, has been a force in New York politics since the 1970’s. Originally founded in the back rooms of Studio 54, they are now the “Pink Power Brokers” who run New York’s Fashion and Theater districts.

WASHINGTON, DC - President Obama is opening the door to Cuba. The two countries will settle their differences once and for all in a Prime Time Tango dance-off. The idea for this came when the Obamas unexpectedly met with Fidel Castro in Turkey last week. After many laughs, drinks, and cigars, the world leaders were well on their way to putting their differences behind them. When a particularly rousing song came on, Fidel Castro asked Michelle Obama to dance, and led her across the floor in a sensuous Tango. Seeing the blatant challenge by the former Cuban Dictator, President Obama...

NEW YORK, NY - Fox News commentator Glenn Beck is taking time out from his various news shows to do comedy. For six weeks in Denver, Glenn Beck will mix observational humor with political opinion, all with this trademark soothsaying of Armageddon and emotional instability. Beck, who has no history with comedy whatsoever, describes his coming performances as a mix of Thomas Paine’s Common Sense with “a poor man’s Seinfeld.” A publicity clip of Beck trying out his material in a New York nightclub includes the following excerpt.

I’m happier than a parrot in a cracker factory! Our great Navy SEALS rescued that ship’s captain – and killed three of the pirates, too! (Isn’t it amazing how they train those things to shoot guns? Must be some tasty sardines they give them for treats…) The bad news is: one of the pirates is still alive. He’s coming back here to go on trial. That’s crazy! I can tell you just what’ll happen. First, he’ll complain that the Navy didn’t read him his rights in whatever language they speak in Oongaboongaland. Then some famous lawyer will take his case...

I’m as frustrated as a pygmy at a Knicks game! Those damn hippies told us pollution was bad. They made us stop littering – which took the fun out of family car trips! Then they said to stop taking family car trips because they waste gas and make smog. Then because they wanted everyone to stink as bad as they do, the hippies said we couldn’t use deodorant because stuff in the spray can was bad for outer space. But after all that, NASA says getting rid of pollution was bad for Nature all along!

Facing budget cuts like every other agency, the CIA is hoping to sell equipment from the now defunct Black Sites to recoup whatever revenue possible. Intelligence gathering and interrogation tools are being sold by CIA operatives at yard sales throughout the Eastern Bloc. Of particular popularity are the water-boarding setups, which are being sold as above ground pools. A high school in Richmond, VA, even ordered one from the CIA’s Craigslist posting to use in their production of The Crucible.

I’m madder than a hippie chick who’s run out of hemp tampons! Did you know Al Bore left his lights on during that stupid Earth Hour on Saturday night? It’s true: over at his billion square foot mansion, Crazy Al was running up his electric bill when he was telling the rest of us to sit in the dark like cavemen! I’m guessing the light was from Al Gore’s open fridge!