For Advent: The Treasure of Singleness

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[Salvation]

The Treasure of Singleness

Tyler Blanski

 

It can be difficult to be a single Christian. I remember watching as one by one my friends would marry, start families, and settle down. The cards would come just before Christmas with news of another baby or a new home, and I would set them on the table in my empty apartment and sigh. As a Christian, my newsfeed was like one long drawn out toast to holy matrimony, and I was getting tired of holding up my glass. The Kingdom of God is like a wedding feast, and the baptized faithful had so much to say about marriage and family. But I was single. At least the world, as St. Paul calls it, didn’t rub it in so much.

So it was more than the intensity of color or the exquisite detail, the visual intricacies or the physical presence of the figure that drew me into the oil-on-wood painting by John Millais, Mariana. It was the sigh of broken dreams, of singleness, of yearning.

A lot of people are single, and they love it. Singleness can be a beautiful and rewarding vocation. But for a lot of other people, singleness can be painful and hard. It was, after all, singles of whom St. Paul spoke when he spoke of those who “burn with passion” (1 Cor. 7:9). This reflection on Mariana is a gesture of recognition for the passion of singleness. It’s for those who are in the long slow burn.

The Long, Slow Burn

Mariana is a portrait of waiting. Waiting for love. Waiting for belonging. Waiting for fruitfulness and laughter and beginnings. But the waiting has been drawn out, the seasons keep turning, and yet again autumn is ending. Like a pen almost out of ink, singleness can be thin, scratchy, and annoying. And nothing ever seems to change—no matter how hard you push.

Look closely at the scene. It is a moment of desire, of Autumn, and a nearly finished tapestry. The maiden has stuck her needle upright into the richly patterned, flowering embroidery. She stands up and stretches, pushing her hands into her back, pushing her torso forward, leaning her head to one side. The posture is casual, absent-minded, tired. Is she praying? How long has she been gazing out the window? Long enough to let the leaves land on her embroidery.

Perhaps you can strangely relate to this Victorian spinster. Maybe you know the feeling of just needing to stand, to stretch your aching back. Or maybe you know the swelling of a sigh over the prattle of a room littered with leaves. So your eye moves from the maiden to the tapestry. The creases in the cloth demand your attention. The gloom around the altar on the right and the lonely glow of a diminished prayer candle. You try to catch a glimpse of the landscape outside—Will he come? Why hasn’t he come?

Against this veiled backdrop of a landscape, the stained glass window flashes brightly. The windowpane of the Annunciation—when the angel Gabriel brought happy tidings to the Virgin Mary—shines out clear as day. God is close, the window seems to say. Behold, he makes all things new.

In Shakespeare’s play, Measure for Measure, Mariana has been abandoned by her lover Angelo, because her marriage dowry was lost at sea. In Millais’ painting we see an aging virgin. The mouse, the leaves, the worn look of the place betray the sad tale of lost fortunes, and a home falling into decay due to poverty and neglect. Shakespeare’s play ends happily, and Angelo agrees to wed Mariana in the final scene. Does the Annunciation scene in the stained glass window confirm a sense of promise and hope, for a future marriage and a child? Is her pose not one of despair, but of yielding to the Light, perhaps with a sigh: “How can this be, since I am a virgin?” (Luke 1:34).

Perhaps, even though singleness can be difficult—as all waiting is—it can also be good. Anything worth doing is difficult. Why should singleness be an exception?  Singleness is worth doing, and doing well.

My Soul Waits Upon the Lord

Look at the painting just once more, but zoom in on Mariana herself. The velvet blue dress brings relief to the intricate detail of the room. The maiden’s face is beautiful in a plain, unimposing way. Her jeweled belt suggests wealth. Yet autumn leaves blow in. A mouse scuttles across the floor. She is alone, her estate dwindles, winter approaches, and she grows tired in the half-light. What is the lesson?

In light of the Annunciation scene that splashes through the stained-glass window or the votive candle burning at the altar, I think the lesson is this: God’s timing is not our timing. Good things rarely come quickly. Winter is approaching, and autumn is blowing in under our doorways. So often we can feel very alone. But the loneliness has a purpose. It’s not meaningless. “Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always” (Psalm 105:4). He will make your paths straight (Prov. 3:6).

Again, many single people are happy to be unmarried. So I do not want to send the message that the single life is not a worthy, noble life. But I also know that for many people, singleness is a painful waiting, a long, slow burn. And this reflection on Mariana is for them.

Singleness can be exhausting. It can be labor. But anything worth doing is difficult. What we learn from Mariana is that the unsung treasure of singleness lies hidden in suffering. The passion of singleness is an invitation into the open side of Christ. It is because God seeks to be glorified in our lives that singleness is worth doing, and doing well.

In the end, everyone is waiting. Most of us just haven’t woken up to the deepest yearning of our heart. May we all pray with the Psalmist: “My soul waits upon the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning” (Psalm 130:6). More than watchmen wait for the morning, more than Mariana waits for her husband, more than any of us wait for anything, may we wait upon the Lord. The treasure of singleness is that it reminds all of us that our hearts are restless until they rest in God. We were made for God, and a life lived well is a life of waiting for him.

Perhaps your life has been littered with pain and broken relationships. But, like Mariana, you are surrounded by the promises and provision of a God whose name is Love. He is always present, even if you cannot feel him. Perhaps the votive candle burns for a reason. Perhaps it is in the waiting that God is refining you as in fire. “Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul” (Psalm 143:8).

[caww]

My brother was single well into his forties though he did have a female companion who accompanied him for dinners etc. for most of that time.

They were great friends but never romantic with one another....he decided not to pursue that as he enjoyed and valued her company so much.

A medical emergency happened to him and from that his companion was shaken over the possiblity of loosing Him...she said it was like the Lord opened her heart and all this love for my brother flowed in.

She poured her heart out in a letter to him, which he assumed was her standard thank you card.....reading it as he was driving out of town. ...He was soooo stunned he had to get off the road to see more clearly and realize the words he had never expected to hear were there in front of him......I love when they share this story and never tire hearing it.

I was LOLROTF when you mentioned... "advantages"..... though I'm a gal I know exactly what your speaking of though from a gals point of view!.... I've been single longer than I was married and know the difference quite well. For me this works better I think.

[CorporateStepsister]

I agree; to be honest, being alone is a time to make choices and grow in ways that we don’t when we are attached. I’m single and chaste for a full decade now and I realize that if I had not stayed single and chaste I would not have matured and learned the lessons that I’ve needed to learn.

[caww]

I couldn’t relate to this woman’s story very much as it seemed more depressing then living life...though I do have reflection times it’s rare about being single if at all.

Her frame is similar to my own but I can certainly relate to her posture after too long hanging out on the computer! And trust me there are no leaves drifting across it! LOLlolol.

I would guess though that there are those who do suffer the pains of lonliness....still.....I have also know married people ‘who suffer worse’ being alone in dysfunctional marriages...they have no escape without ending the marriage itself. Where if you are single you can always leave your home and do something interesting.

Interesting read I have to say....thanks fo posting it.

[caww]

I think God knew what he was saying when he mentions times and seasons....there is a time for everything under heaven. This has been my time for singleness, and you are quite right ther

I married my highschool sweetheart so I never really knew singleness at all.....you can imagine what it was for me adjusting to being single. I recall my first “date”...a wonderful man but I had no clue how to date, what to expect how to handle when he walked me to my door. So I shook his hand with a thank you....once inside I said out loud.....”Remind me never to do this again!” LOL It was nerve wrecking!

But again it is very different and harder for men to make such an adjustment of being or remaining single I think. God did say “it’s not good for man to be alone”....though I do think some are suited for that, but on the whole it seems to fair better for woman.

[CorporateStepsister]

Women are more self reliant than they’re given credit for. Men are in fact more dependent on women.

[Grateful2God]

Your post was beautiful and very touching: a special companion in Heaven, I never thought of that. It can be lonely sometimes. I've heard terms like "Unclaimed Treasure," "Unwanted Heart"- always something with an "un" in there, suggesting something incomplete. Next time I feel that way, I'll remind myself of what you said, and smile - as I'm doing now... God bless you!

[Tired of Taxes]

I have a brother who’s a lifelong bachelor in his 40’s. He’s had many girlfriends, but he’s never settled down. He’s happy, though, probably much happier than his married friends, all of whom cheat.

It’s funny how, mostly for men, the grass is always greener... Many married men seem to wish they were single. Some singles wish they were married. (I’m not a guy myself. Just basing that observation on what men have told me.)

[proud American in Canada]

“I am quite familiar with the subject of abandonment, having been formerly engaged.”
_________________________________________

I am so sorry about the loss of your engagement. Abandonment, whether before or after taking vows, is cruel. Well, at least painful.

[proud American in Canada]

OrangeHoof, please don’t give up on life.

You will find someone. My grandfather remarried after his wife (my grandmother) died. My step-grandmother was a devout Catholic and was 70 when she married my grandfather. It was her first marriage, and he joined her in the Catholic faith.

Just make up a great t-shirt with your awesome tagline...and you are bound to make people laugh (I hope; it probably depends on where you live! i.e., hope you’re not surrounded by libs!)

Go to some conservative gathering with a bunch of those t-shirts, or put the slogan on coffee mugs and sell them at a mall, all with Christmas colors (better hurry!) and who knows?! Clarence might just help you out...... :)

Seriously, everyone... at the loneliest point in my life, I saw “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the first time... I have watched it every year since.

We all have to have faith.

Take care, everyone... Don’t give up!

And please, let us know how it goes, OrangeHoof! :)

[Tired of Taxes]

Many people don’t like being alone, but some of us actually do. I enjoyed living independently when I was young. I even traveled alone. Later, I did marry. I tried to make the marriage work, even though I found out he couldn’t be trusted. After 19 years, the marriage ended. I feel bad for my sons, and I regret wasting my younger years on someone who lied and cheated. But there’s a freedom in being single now - the freedom to make my own decisions. I’m looking forward to the future and hoping it brings good health and a career.

I don’t know what your situation is, but I hope everything works out for you, too. God bless!

[proud American in Canada]

I don’t know what your situation is, but I hope everything works out for you, too. God bless!

____________________________________________

You too! It is way beyond late for me, so I need to get to bed; I couldn’t sleep but got caught up in this thread; I feel like there’s a web of people, all of us, connected briefly because of compassion for each other, which in itself is a gift.

I’ve seen your screen name before (who could forget such a perfect name! LOL!) and hope to talk to you again.

It sounds like things are looking up for you, and I’m glad—take care. :)

[caww]

I think it goes fruther than even that.....they’re designed to be ‘complete’ with a wife.

For want of saying this in a better way....God took Adam’s Rib and “formed” woman, called such because she was taken from man..... I often wonder if man’s deep desire for woman ‘companionship’ comes from the idea that when he is with her he feels complete again.

When male friends and family members speak of meeting the one they marry...it is not uncommon they do say “she completes” me.

I noted with my sons growing up how diferrently they spoke of the women they would marry over that of the other girls they had dated as they spoke about them. There was a marked change in their tone as they spoke, how they defined them etc. I knew in both that they were going to end up marrying these woman before I met them and before they announced so.

So there’s something rather “mysterious” about how a man loves a woman and his desire for her which I don’t think woman have for men.....and it’s very deep and powerful, and why a breakup or divorce or death shatters men so. They are truly broken souls for quite sometime.

[yldstrk]

Thank you for writing this.

[Biggirl]

Women can grieve also when they lose the men they love, but then again, the big factor is being able to have a support system.

[Biggirl]

It is true, but even so, it was never easy after I had lost the man I have loved for 21 years.

[spankalib]

I pulled up a larger image to look more closely - there’s more (along the lines of the theme):
- notice the coat-of-arms, with what appears to be a knight’s helm. It’s proximity to her head suggests she, at times maybe, “thinks” about having a man in her life, but notice too where she’s looking. Away, “but”, so is the knight! They’re both looking at the spiritual representation.
- also, there is a suggestive, I think subliminal reference to sex, where the line in the glass (”from” the knight) descends to intersect with the line (of her belt or sash?), hidden, not prurient, but most definitely pointing to her “womanhood”.

Nice painting, but (sorry to buzzkill, it’s just the truth, or “part” of the picture) - the painter married his colleague’s wife, who had her marriage annulled to said colleague on the grounds of non-consummation.
They went on to have 8 kids.
I can’t say exactly, yet there does seem to be some lingering doubt about the artist’s experience of ‘waiting’ or ‘patience’ in his lifestory...

Instead of hating singleness, should we not embrace the path God has set our feet upon? I mean, I’ve studied in the Bible the reasons for pain; refined by a fire...other examples, but the one purpose I am told - that sticks out to me, is to work PATIENCE in my life...
There you go - “Waiting is hard.”

Sorry for the length - no more coffee, ha! - I feel some of the other posters’ comments, I think
- it’s better to be alone and single, than to be married and lonely. So sad for you there.
- this has helped me, it is lovely; called “How To Be Alone”:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

I have had to learn hard lessons. Unlearn false things. The “you complete me”-thing...yeah, Ironman...Hollyweird...Disney

How about: “I complete me” (with Jesus, doing my imperfect best)? I like to think that I can bring my however imperfect “best” into a relationship for building-up, for sharing,
NOT dependence (the need of some “other” for completion).

...just some coffee-fueled 2cents ;)

[defconw]

I was 43 before I married. It was a long haul through my 20's and 30's wanting to be married and have children and never finding the right man. My friends became mommies and I attended the parties and watched as my nephew and nieces grew.

But through the Church i found a purpose. I discerned that I was not supposed to be a religious, so where did that leave me? Well I volunteered. I did Bible School, youth group, taught religious ed. I was a lector, a Eucharistic Minister to the sick and shut ins. I ran to the hospital to sit with friends and parishioners. I assisted the priests when they needed help.

My life was set. I embraced being single. Loved it. Gave up on dating and just really concentrated on building a life centered on Church, family and friends.

So what did God decide should happen? I met the man that I was to marry. I met him here on Free Republic of all places. I had to move and we have moved once more since then. The Church does not seem the same to me as it did back before I was married. But it's not that it changed, I changed.

To your point. I thought marriage would be wonderful. Well it can be sometimes. But I also often feel lonely. My husband is not Catholic.not that it would matter if he was. It has nothing to do with that. I think what I am working on is re finding myself in the context of now being a married person. In some ways the same way I had to embrace my singleness before.

I also understand how difficult it is to enter Parish life when you don't have kids. Most Catholics meet because of the kids. But this is what I have done and it makes all the difference. Join a woman's Bible study or club at Church if you can. It will let you meet some women and you will feel more connected. If that is not an option for you, do to other commitments, try going to Mass during the week.

Try St. Rita of Cascia. When I get lonely I call upon the Saints, the Blessed Mother, the Bible and of course Jesus. He's there. Tell him you need to feel him. (Notice to all would be detractors, I don't care what you think).

[defconw]

I am sorry about your husband. I truly do understand what you are saying. I was single for a long time, now I am married but there is no guarantee on how long I will have him here with me physically.

I always thought marriage will fix everything. Well no it doesn't.

Married or not, we were born alone and we shall die alone, in the sense that we are a singular person. Yet we know because of Jesus Christ and all the Saints we are never truly alone. God is with us always if we let Him in.

In some ways I think that I miss my alone time with God. Our funny inside jokes that we shared. It seemed when I was single I had more time for Him, and Him alone. Not that He has changed, it's just that He has given me a man to love now. God is still there, it's just a different relationship for now.

My grandmother was a widow for most of my life and she had this quiet relationship with God, she knew one day in His kingdom she would be united with her husband again. I guess she set a good example for me.

There truly are seasons to life and as we go through these seasons, some are dark and lonely and some are fulfilling and beautiful. But we can not appreciate joy if we have never experienced sorrow.

[NewCenturions]

It helps if you come from a large family too. So many nieces and nephews that seem like my kids! And caring for an elderly parent...no time to be lonely. And stray cats find me irresistable! I feel blessed.

[defconw]

We all have our purpose for being here. I guess the "trick" is to embrace that role, whatever it might be. As a cat lover, I say Thank You for taking care of all those strays. They need love as well.

When I was a kid the Sisters told us that there was a cat in the stable when Jesus was born. That the Blessed Mother kissed the cats' head and that is why most cats have a M on their foreheads. Now to the Pharisees among you, of course I know not every single flipping cat in the world has a M on their forehead, but most tabby's do. I still to this day check a cats head for that M! :)