Posted on 12/19/2015 6:54:31 AM PST by Kaslin
If you're a human American over the age of 2, I'm betting I know what you're doing this weekend: you're going to see "Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
The seventh film in the Star Wars series, it had a banner opening night, raking in as much as $60 million. Rentrak projects it will end up earning more than $3 billion.
Which is all to say, the empire surely will not miss my $20.
That's right -- I'm not seeing "Star Wars." So, fans, you don't have to worry -- there won't be any spoilers in this column. I've gone 36 years without seeing more than five collective minutes of the movies and I don't plan to start now.
I have nothing against these movies I've never seen -- although, to be honest, I've never been much of a fantasy fan. Giant glow sticks, Yoda the Hutt and talking R2-3POs aren't my bag. But who knows? Maybe I'd love them. My political friends insist I'd dig their "overtly conservative" themes. Because that's why I go to the movies: politics.
But I'll never know. Peak "Star Wars" is ruining any lingering curiosity I ever had about the movies.
I don't fancy myself a rebel. I love to go with the crowds. Yes, I saw the "Entourage" movie, even though I knew it would be garbage. I didn't just see "The Hunger Games" movies, I read the books. Of course I love Adele.
I'm not above a bandwagon. But there's a time when "buzz" reaches a tipping point, and instead of surrendering to the gravitational pull of mass obsession and joining in, you decide: Nope. Not this time, groupthink. I'm out.
I don't remember "Star Wars" ubiquity ever being this unavoidable. For movies that take place in a galaxy far, far away, they sure have managed to takeover planet Earth. "Star Wars" is stuffed into every commercial crevice of the country. It's overtaking Christmas as the most annoying part of Christmas. Visitors from whatever planet Carrie Fisher comes from would think December 25 is when we celebrate the birth of Darth Vader.
You can't go into a store -- even stores you wouldn't expect "Star Wars" to infiltrate -- without being hit over the head with branding.
CoverGirl has a line of "Star Wars" themed makeup. I know when I'm getting ready I think, How can I look like I just fended off a stormtrooper on a dusty desert planet?
Adidas and Vans, of course, have "Star Wars" sneaks. And I'd love to meet the adult men with pictures of Han Solo on their shoes.
Coffee-Mate makes "Star Wars" character creamers. Something called a Chewbacca adorns the spiced latte flavor. Because, reasons.
But by far the most obnoxious branding effort yet is "Star Wars" themed fruit and vegetables, which Disney justifies by insisting that putting Harrison Ford on a bag of apples is a good way to get kids to eat healthier. (Did you know Disney has a "licensed fruit and vegetables portfolio"? I didn't either, but it really makes you wonder what a company can't commercialize.)
Not surprisingly, "Star Wars" porn is seeing a bit of a boom. Retailer GameLink says sales of "Star Wars XXX" have surged 500 percent in the last two weeks. I guess the force really has awakened.
Aside from annoying me, it would seem like the "Star Wars" marketing machine would anger purists. And yet I don't hear anyone complaining. I asked two of my biggest "Star Wars" fan friends, whom I respect and adore and hope are still my friends after reading this, if any of this saturation bothers them. Both said not even a little.
I don't get it -- I love "Seinfeld," but I don't want to buy Kramer creamer or Elaine-inspired lipstick. Nor do I want to know that, somewhere, someone's getting turned on by a George Costanza parody porno.
On a deeper level, the best part of fandom is the immeasurable joy of feeling like you're part of a special community of brethren, with whom you speak a special language. When your secret club is the entire universe -- and it's all on sale! -- it doesn't feel much like a community anymore.
I've got nothing against "Star Wars" or its fans. Part of me really wants to experience their world. But turning mine into one giant "Star Wars" strip mall is only ensuring I never will.
I haven’t seen any Star Wars movies since that one with the ridiculous Ewoks. The idea of continuing the same story for almost 40 years seems un-creative to me. I got the basic idea and I don’t feel like I am missing anything.
Stop trying to sell yourself as a conservative, you neo-progressive whore.
Below: Cupp crying on CNN after SCOTUS gay marriage decision, praising gays as "patriots" and denouncing "haters" in "my party"
“Ironically Jurassic World is the one of two movies I paid to see over the last five years (I was forced to take my nephew to a movie). I picked Jurassic World as I read the PC nonsense wasn’t too bad in it.”
It wasn’t. Unfortunately, there also wasn’t one original or interesting moment in the entire film.
I have always been a Star Trek person, more realistic than Star Wars.
I like Star Wars but can take it or leave it. The three movies Lucas did as prequels are just unwatchable after the first viewing. Lucas is a terrible director and writer.
I may catch this film later but not a priority for me.
I think Star Wars is a cut story but it’s way overhyped. I’m more of a Star Trek fan myself.
lol yeah that’s the problem with this movie, it’s way overhyped, I have no idea how good it is, peeps on my Facebook page says it’s good but that doesn’t mean anything like you already said so I have to check it out sometime next week and see for myself
Well I knew that going in. (-:
Lighten up Cupp.
It’s just a popular movie. No one is going to grab you and force you to buy a ticket.
Me? I will probably go during the week over the holidays.
But this weekend? Seems to me those people are fish in a barrel. We all know what happens to them.
You really need to jump onto the bus now, or you’ll never appreciate Episode 8: “A New Merchandising Opportunity” and Episode 9: “Return of the Licensed Merchandise”
Do you recall your reaction to all of the utterly ridiculous hype surrounding the candidacy and election of first melanin enhanced American president and how even people you always thought were sane got caught up in it? I think S.E. just wanted to have some contrarian fun pricking holes in the latest manufactured cultural phenomenon. After all it’s just a friggin’ movie, from a series the last three installments of were just plain bad.
Not me: I have always liked westerns. Fantasy does not turn me on.
Lucas was trying to recreate the Buck Rogers / Flash Gordon type of story (the original, unused poster art concept even mentions those older characters) - so it makes sense that the story line is a bit thin - especially in the first movie. I think Episode V is the acknowledged "best" of the series because it has the most substance to it.
If you’re a human American over the age of 2, I’m betting I know what you’re doing this weekend: you’re going to see “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.”
Wish I had taken that bet. I qualify as being over the age of 2 but will definitely not be going to see the Star Wars movie this weekend or any other weekend.
No.
And don't care if you go to see it or not.
I loved the first three Star Wars movies ... except for the Ewoks, but the commercials are omnipresent.
It's beyond annoying, it's actually ironically creepy that so many companies have sold their souls to the soulless LucasDisney Empire.
Hana Solo DIES!?
GOOD!
Now that almost makes me want to see it, but not quite.
~~~~~~~~~
FYI:
S.E. is an admittedly-decorative female -- and conservative.
That doesn't necessarily equip her to pontificate on entertainment...
From what I’ve gleaned about plot, characters, etc. This seems to me to be a movie dominated by PC first, and then story. I really don’t feel the urge to go and see it.
...
That’s my feeling, too. But I’ll wait to see what the guinea pigs have to say before I make a final decision.
That’s fine....I’m gonna wait for the cheapest DVD at Walmart if I’m still alive by then.
I’m not. Probably because it was shoved down my throat at an early age. I had to go as Queen Amidala for Halloween when I was 4 or 5.
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