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Southern Baptists launch pre-emptive strikes against Assemblies of God
Lark News.com ^ | January 2005

Posted on 07/26/2006 6:47:38 AM PDT by Alex Murphy

NASHVILLE - Citing a "gathering threat to our membership," the Southern Baptist Convention Sunday launched pre-emptive strikes on rival Assembly of God mega-churches in the South, leaving charred ruins where church signs and marquees once stood. Hours later, the SBC issued a statement justifying the unilateral action.

"Hostilities will escalate unless we get inspectors in there to see which of our members were stolen away by this flaky Pentecostal nonsense," says one SBC official.

The SBC chose to attack on Sunday evening at 6:30 p.m. because most churches are completely empty at that time and they wanted to minimize casualties, they said. They targeted only church signs, sending a "warning shot across the bow."

A/G officials claimed the strikes had hit Sunday school wings, not church signs, and had injured "dozens of innocent and elderly." The TBN network showed 24-hour footage of young, bandaged Missionettes and Royal Rangers lying in hospital beds ? images the SBC called "trumped up and inflammatory."

By Monday morning, hundreds of A/G adherents had gathered around decimated church signs for candlelight vigils and "tongues" rallies to show support for their churches.

"I'm outraged they would try something like this," said Martha Ennis, 41, who then began to prophesy over the reporter, giving him "words from God."

The SBC says they tried to work through the National Association of Evangelicals to bring sanctions against the A/G for "aggressive membership recruitment," but that secret deliberations ended inconclusively, and the SBC decided to act alone.

Wary of scaring away new members with the attacks, the SBC is simultaneously revving up a "shucks and aww" advertising campaign to portray a "warm, welcoming" atmosphere to counteract the impression that the SBC has become doctrinally rigid, intolerant and culturally out of touch. The ads, set to run in major newspapers beginning Thursday, show smiling, overweight Caucasian families walking into Southern Baptist churches. The SBC hopes to attract more smiling, overweight Caucasian families.

Already in some cities, A/G insurgent forces have begun counter-attacking SBC churches, scrawling "healing'z 4 today," "pharisee loverz" and other slogans Baptists find outrageous.


TOPICS: Activism; Apologetics; Current Events; Ecumenism; Evangelical Christian; Humor; Ministry/Outreach; Religion & Culture; Theology; Worship
KEYWORDS: aog; baptist; satire
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See related story: NEWS ALERT: India States Passes Controversial Religious Conversion Law; Christians Attacked
1 posted on 07/26/2006 6:47:39 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
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To: Alex Murphy

Good grief, we Christians are still fighting each other, at a time in which the non-Muslim world is fighting to survive against the onslaught of the Islamofacists. No wonder non-Christians speak ill against the Christian Church.


2 posted on 07/26/2006 6:50:35 AM PDT by Biggirl (A biggirl with a big heart for God's animal creation.)
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To: Alex Murphy

ROTFLMAO!!

That's one of the better ones you've posted from this site.


3 posted on 07/26/2006 6:52:08 AM PDT by sitetest (If Roe is not overturned, no unborn child will ever be protected in law.)
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To: Biggirl

Being a literalist is one thing. Failing to recognize obvious satire is quite another.


4 posted on 07/26/2006 6:56:12 AM PDT by L,TOWM (Liberals, The Other White Meat [This is some nasty...])
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To: Alex Murphy

Hilarious. I'm a southern baptist and so are my two best friends. We often each lunch together with two our other good friends who are A/G pastors of our local college campus ministry, which I still attend from time to time. The converstaions can sometimes be interesting.


5 posted on 07/26/2006 6:56:58 AM PDT by JamesP81 ("Never let your schooling interfere with your education" --Mark Twain)
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To: Biggirl

This one's bad, too!
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/1672216/posts


6 posted on 07/26/2006 7:05:07 AM PDT by polymuser
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To: Alex Murphy

Woo-Hooo! The Sword of the Lord, and of Gideon! Cry Potluck, and let slip the parishiners of war!


7 posted on 07/26/2006 7:13:49 AM PDT by Hegemony Cricket (Rugged individualists of the world, unite!)
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To: L,TOWM

Oh, ok, this was satire. Sorry to goof up on this one.


8 posted on 07/26/2006 7:20:01 AM PDT by Biggirl (A biggirl with a big heart for God's animal creation.)
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To: Alex Murphy

This is a joke, right?


9 posted on 07/26/2006 7:24:57 AM PDT by AmericanMade1776
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To: AmericanMade1776
This is a joke, right?

Aw, come on. Do you really have to ask?

"The ads, set to run in major newspapers beginning Thursday, show smiling, overweight Caucasian families walking into Southern Baptist churches. The SBC hopes to attract more smiling, overweight Caucasian families."

10 posted on 07/26/2006 7:29:56 AM PDT by Alex Murphy (Colossians 4:6)
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To: Alex Murphy

well , the headline was most alarming...then there was that sign that was partially burned. ha!


11 posted on 07/26/2006 7:31:38 AM PDT by AmericanMade1776
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To: Alex Murphy

Good laugh for the day. Thanks!


12 posted on 07/26/2006 7:47:29 AM PDT by MarMema
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To: Alex Murphy
While the AOG and SBC slog it out, the Reformed will only grow in strength and power! God is indeed providential.
13 posted on 07/26/2006 8:18:50 AM PDT by Gamecock ("God's sheep are brought home by the Holy Spirit, and there won't be one of them lost." L R Shelton)
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To: Biggirl

Um, you didn't check the source, did you? It's Lark News, which is similar to The Onion.


14 posted on 07/26/2006 8:29:37 AM PDT by OneWingedShark (Q: Why am I here? A: To do Justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.)
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To: Alex Murphy

It's just good that the Catholics didn't get involved...

We have missals.


15 posted on 07/26/2006 8:30:00 AM PDT by GCC Catholic
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To: GCC Catholic
We have missals.

Writer for the Lark, are you? LOL!

16 posted on 07/26/2006 8:34:52 AM PDT by Scothia ( When something important is going on, silence is a lie.)
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To: drstevej; Gamecock; Jean Chauvin; OrthodoxPresbyterian; CCWoody; Wrigley; jboot; AZhardliner; ...
Constantia Center Independent Baptist Church

THE CHURCH SOVERIEGN GRACE TOOK BACK FROM THE FOUNDER OF THE SEEKER FREINDLY MOVEMENT

A.M.-TOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PARODY AT IT'S BEST!!!!!!!!!!

5 SOLAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


17 posted on 07/26/2006 8:37:09 AM PDT by alpha-8-25-02 ("SAVED BY GRACE AND GRACE ALONE")
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To: alpha-8-25-02

Huh. My sense of humor get's me in trouble sometimes and I often see a funny side to life that others don't. I didn't laugh though. I was thinking, great, the media seems to have it in for us as it is and people will probably believe this. I need to read the article again.


18 posted on 07/26/2006 10:11:07 AM PDT by CindyDawg
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To: Alex Murphy

"The SBC says they tried to work through the National Association of Evangelicals to bring sanctions against the A/G for "aggressive membership recruitment," but that secret deliberations ended inconclusively, and the SBC decided to act alone."

Well, by golly, that'll show 'em. And what a good example is being set for those who were thinking about giving Christianity an honest try. Why, them dern Christians fight like cats and dogs...


19 posted on 07/26/2006 10:12:19 AM PDT by Mrs. Darla Ruth Schwerin
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To: Alex Murphy

you forgot some legal boilerplate:
"No United Nations observers were harmed during the making of this parody."


20 posted on 07/26/2006 10:16:07 AM PDT by VOA
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