Speaking of pets....
Posted on 09/22/2003 9:41:23 AM PDT by sonsofliberty2000
I thought maybe a humor break might do the site and some Freepers a little good. Here is some contributions from yours truly and lets see if anyone can top these. Plus try bumping a few people to the thread. The more the merrier:
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Out The Window
Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
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Bush and Clinton on a Train
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, a spectacular looking blonde woman and an enormously large woman with an unfriendly scowl are in a train car. The train passes through a tunnel, and in the darkness the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. As the train pulls out of the tunnel, the daylight reveals a big red slap mark on Clinton's cheek.
The blonde thinks: "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who must have slapped his face"
The fat lady thinks: "That dirty old Bill Clinton touched the blonde and she smacked him."
Bill Clinton thinks: "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
George W. Bush thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."
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Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon? A: "The Axis of Weasels."
Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama? A. So the French can show them how to surrender.
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.
Q. Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? A. Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees? A. So the Germans could march in the shade.
Q: How many gears does a French tank have? A: 4 reverse and 1 forward, in case the enemy attacks from the rear.
Q: How can you identify a French Infantryman? A: Sunburned armpits.
Q. What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast? A. You can make soldiers out of toast.
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? A. The Army.
Anyone see the French Military Rifle on eBay? It's never been shot and only dropped once!
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French Military History in a Nutshell
Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare - "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchmen."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years' War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied.
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting".
French Revolution: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
WWI: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
WWII: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -"We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
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Clinton's Dictation
One day in November 1999, Bill Clinton sat for his first online chat with the nation. "The President dictated his remarks," Martin Short later helpfully reported, "while his intern worked on his laptop."
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Twain's Word
Having attended a service one day delivered by the future bishop of Albany, Mark Twain congratulated the reverend (Doane). "I welcomed it as an old friend," he declared. "I have a book at home containing every word of it." "I am sure you have not," the pastor exclaimed. "Indeed I have," Twain persisted. "Well, I'd like to have a look at it then," Doane replied. "Could you send it over to me?"
Sure enough, the following day Doane received a parcel from Twain supporting his claim: An unabridged dictionary!
While having lunch with George Burns in a restaurant one day, Jack Benny began to wonder whether or not to put butter on his bread. Though he hated bread without butter, his wife (Mary) had put him on a strict no-butter diet. After agonizing for some time, Benny was finally interrupted by Burns. "Please, Jack," he begged, "just make this one decision yourself." Benny obliged - and had some butter.
At the end of the meal, Burns ordered the waiter to bring the bill to Benny. "Why should I pay?" he complained. "If you don't," Burns replied, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it, Sweetie?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much. I want you to be happy."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a beautiful silver."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and just one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $1,950,000."
MAN: "Wow, then go ahead and make them an offer, but just offer $1,895,000."
WOMAN: "OK. Thank you, Darling - you're wonderful! I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Speaking of pets....
A man and a woman were finishing up their FBI training and one test remained. The final test was to test their commitment and obedience. They were taken to a hotel.
Once at the hotel, they were taken in turn to one of the rooms - the man first. In the hall outside the room, the instructor told the man that his wife was inside. The instructor gave the man a gun and told him to enter the room and kill his wife. The man did not know that the gun contained only blanks.
The man entered the room. A few minutes later he came out weeping. "I couldn't do it." he said.
Next, the woman was brought to the door of a room and, like the man, was told that her spouse was inside. She was given the same gun and the same instructions. She entered the room.
After a few minutes, the instructor waiting in the hall heard a terrible commotion in the room which lasted several minutes. Finally, after it had quieted down, the woman emerged.
The bewildered instructor asked the woman what all the noise was about and where was her husband.
"Well", she said, "The gun you gave me turned out to be a full of blanks so I had to beat him to death with a chair."
A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I went to McDonald's for breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up some Budweiser for the football game tonight. How about you?"
The second guy says, "Go to Hell, rag-head!"
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