Jesse Has Advice for Arnie

Arnold, what the heck are you doing? You're getting out of Hollywood to go into politics? Well, then forget agents and studio bosses—now you're dealing with real predators. But since your mind is made up, I hope you won't mind a little advice from someone who's been there.

Now, I know you're a Republican, but I hope you won't go out on the trail and act like a politician. Republican or Democrat, it makes no difference: people don't like politicians. Which is completely understandable, since most of them act like cyborgs, robotically selling the latest talking points from party headquarters.

So be yourself. Be Arnold. Be the guy who can sit and have a cigar with the crew. Be honest. Don't worry if you don't know the answer to every question asked. Just say, "I don't know," if you don't know. When I did this during my campaign in Minnesota, people were amazed. How revolutionary—a politician who stands in front of the people and doesn't feed them pre-canned answers!

To win, you have to convince people that you care enough to work hard and make tough decisions. And most importantly, that they are your own decisions.

Now that you are a candidate, you will be getting advice from all corners. Some of it will have checks attached. Whatever you do, keep your distance from special-interest groups, powerful lobbyists and their dirty money. The fact is, Arnold, you don't need them. You can win this race by going straight to the people.

When you use commercials, don't be negative. Be Arnold. Let people get to know your sense of humor, your work ethic, your leadership and your genuine concern for the average Joe. Think about what you want to say, and talk from your heart. Scripts are for actors. When I was running in Minnesota, I saw my two opponents with stacks of briefing books and advisers galore giving them instructions. A debate organizer once came up to me and offered a pen and pad. I said, "No, Ma'am, thanks anyway, but you see, if you tell the truth, you don't need a long memory."

Plenty of the old Republican gang will come around and want to be your new best friend. That's fine, but let them know that you are in government to solve problems, not to help them hold on to their power. Expose the status quo politicians of both parties who avoid making tough decisions. Sure, you'll make some enemies, but if you win, you've got a chance to change the game. Go for it. You didn't become an international superstar by playing it safe.

Finally, Arnold, beware of the media. I know you think you have a thick skin, but take my word for it—the press is brutal. The stuff it comes up with is nothing like a bad review for a recently released film. Good luck.

Ventura, former wrestler, actor and Governor of Minnesota, is creating a cable-TV show.

re JESSE (the bald headed dolt) VENTURA
My mother always said if you can't say something nice about someone don't say anything.

goodbye

[THIS ADDENDUM TO JESSE'S LETTER WAS FORGOTTEN IN THE NATIONAL PRESS - RELIABLE KNOWLEDGE OF VENTURA IS GENERALLY NOT KNOWN OUTSIDE OF MINNESOTA AND EVEN THEN, ONE MUST BE THOROUGHLY WEANED FROM THE MILK OF THE SOCIALIST TEAT. WITH THAT PROVISO, I SUBMIT THE FORGOTTEN POST SCRIPT...]

P.S. Oh yeah, Arnold, one or two more things I forgot...

1.) Be sure you get your music, MTV, and book deals upfront. The movie and television appearances can be a 50 now and 50 later thing.

2.) Copyright your status ASAP. I got Gov. Jesse and all variations locked up before the vote count was finished. This leapfrogs into brand name legal rights for your action figures, comics and personal visage branded into novelties.

3.) Talk like a big tough guy at every opportunity. This keeps the 'maverick' fantasy going for idiot voters that are sick of the status quo and some of the conservatives that desperately want action. You can stroke these blocs for your entire term and they'll always stupidly side with you.

4.) Let your homey Leftists do your daily work. Then you can go and hang out with the crew and smoke that cigar. Heck, in between fattening my wallet, I used to hang out with Clinton and smoke his soggy Havanas all the time.

5.) Make sure the legislation you really hammer home is what you care about personally. For me, I campaigned on concealed carry reform and never did jack for anyone else when I got the power to issue a permit to myself in the first week in office. Too bad, chumps! Oh yeah, don't forget the stuff that pisses you off. For me, it was lowering the cost of licensing my kid's Porsche and all of our jet-ski watercraft. I mean, you only got so much time if you work 4 hours a day, you gotta champion the stuff that's really important to your wallet.

6.) Piss and moan about the press all the time. The right wingers love it because they're reflexive, but avoid letting on that your problems with the press actually have more to do with being an ignorant, self-serving dork than any kind of ideological difference. I mean, hey, when I got into office I didn't even know how to spell ideological let alone know what it means so don't be put off by bad press. The press ALWAYS looks like a group of *ssholes to anybody that can actually read.

Well, that's about it. Oh yeah, one more thing...

Whatever you do, don't let anyone from California ever give the dope on what you do. I just let the twerps in the national media paint me as a independant conservative (and you know that ain't true) and I've been living off the reputation ever since. Just remember that P.T. Barnum had it right about suckers and most of them seem to have been born into conservative families.

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