Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities

The Onion ^ | January 30, 2002

[EveningStar]

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the theological giant's stranglehold on the religion industry "blatantly anti-competitive," a U.S. district judge ruled Monday that God is in violation of anti-monopoly laws and ordered Him to be broken up into several less powerful deities.

"The evidence introduced in this trial has convinced me that the deity known as God has willfully and actively thwarted competition from other deities and demigods, promoting His worship with such unfair scare tactics as threatening non-believers with eternal damnation," wrote District Judge Charles Elliot Schofield in his decision. "In the process, He has carved out for Himself an illegal monotheopoly."

[Semper Paratus]

I thought Bill Gates had this settled already?

[hflynn]

First Baby Bells now Baby Hells

[#3Fan]

In this case, thank goodness there is a monopoly.

[Only1choice____Freedom]

Has Hillary responded yet?

[Support Free Republic]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender comes up and says "Hey pal, what will it be?"

The horse orders a beer.

A few minutes later, John Kerry walks in and sits at the bar. The bartender walks up and says "Hey pal, cheer up. Why the long face?"

I'll stop if you guys will donate and get us over our fundraising goal

[VRWCmember]

Hilarious!! I LOVED the last line!

[Charles Henrickson]

As a Christian minister who does not go along with all the "interfaith," "tolerance," P.C. crapola we're seeing these days, I found this article to be a very funny and incisive piece of satire.

[Mark]

Well, there is the Onion and then there is the Dallas paper:(from Monday)

Deion Sanders sued over car bill- Athlete said Jesus told him what to pay, shop alleges; he denies it- he's been fighting a $4,265.57 car repair bill. The owner of the repair shop said the former Dallas Cowboys cornerback wanted to pay only $1,500 of the bill, saying that Jesus had informed him that was all he needed to pay. "It's the 'Praise Jesus' discount," said Ed Edson, attorney for Phil Compton, the owner of the car...

[ravingnutter]

Bump for later reading.

[dpwiener]

This is the problem with antitrust laws. As long as we have a free market, with no legal barriers to the entry of new competitors, God can't have a true monopoly. If God fails to satisfy the customers, they can always turn to rival deities (or try to go into the business for themselves).

Yes, there are network considerations and entry costs, but only the government can create and enforce coercive monopolies. This outrageous decision by an activist judge is not the answer. The free market is the answer: It's up to God's worshippers to demand their money's worth, and to insist that God do a Hell of a lot better job.

[LiteKeeper]

read later

[JOE6PAK]

Jr. Senator from NY says: "That man dressed like the DEVIL better watch his A$$"!

[Scenic Sounds]

The free market is the answer: It's up to God's worshippers to demand their money's worth, and to insist that God do a Hell of a lot better job.

Good post. ;-)

[Guillermo]

Deion denied he said that, and, apparently a judge agrees with Deion that $1,500 is all he owed to the car repair shop.

[DannyTN]

"Has Hillary responded yet? "

In a truly bizarre turn of events, Hillary came out with a statement in support of God today but later reversed herself.

Hillary said, "If God is required to split up. Then it is only a matter of time before the courts order me to split up as well. That would deprive my subjects of my rule and therefore this matter should be overturned quickly by the Supreme Court."

However later she reversed her stance and said that "God wouldn't be in this trouble if He hadn't given Jew B*s***ds preferential treatment." Hillary called for God to resign and turn his supporters over to the democratic party for reeducation. She then called for a congressional investigation of God.

Later in the evening, Hillary was heard to say, "It takes a village to make men righteous."

[DannyTN]

PS: God and Jews, please don't take offense at my parody of Hillary. It wasn't directed at you.

[Only1choice____Freedom]

LOL Excellent!!!

[hang 'em]

"What did God know and when did he know it?"

-Hillary RottenHams Clinton

[Harlequin]

Oh sure. I try to start a little 'water to wine' business in my spare time, and then next thing you know, the monopolistic God comes into my territory and starts giving it away for free until I go out of business.