Posted on 06/06/2003 3:26:42 PM PDT by DocFarmer
"Shakespeare Was Right About Lawyers"
Posted by Doc Farmer
Saturday, June 07, 2003
This article must start with a premise we can all agree upon. There is one belief that is almost universal: That all blasted lawyers are evil, and deserve a long, slow, painful and humiliating death.
Actually, I don't really say ''blasted'' lawyers. I use another term in quotations. But for some reason, my editor here won't print THAT particular word.
Anyway, blasted lawyers have been a thorn in society's side for centuries. Don't believe me? Check out William Shakespeare. Bill knew what was going on, even way back then. ''The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.'' (Henry VI, part 2, Act IV, Scene II) A lot of blasted lawyers will tell you that Shakespeare is actually defending them. Typical. Any one of them will turn the truth into a lie if only to make their own point or gain an advantage (see also: Clinton, Bill and Clinton, Hillary).
How do blasted lawyers, who in my book are lower than nun-rapers and child-molesters (combined), get away with it? How do they constantly gather more power and more money, and still look like they are champions of the ''common'' people? Simple. They know how to lie. They know how to steal. And they know how to manipulate.
You've heard the saying, ''There's more good in the world than evil, but the devil has a better press agent''? The same applies to blasted lawyers.
I mean, look at all the TV shows that show blasted lawyers as heroes or good guys. Ally McBeal. LA Law. Perry Mason. There are literally hundreds of TV shows that have been on the air, and 99% of them have blasted lawyers as nice, ordinary, regular folks who are honourable, moral and kind.
Male bovine excrement!
Anyone who has actually had to deal with these social scumbags knows exactly what these blasted lawyers are, what they're about, and why they're so very dangerous. Even those who haven't had direct dealings with pariahs in pinstripe are detrimentally affected. Why? Who writes almost all the laws in the world? Blasted lawyers, that's who! Who are they written to benefit? The Average Joe? In your dreams. The Average Joe doesn't need a law telling him how to walk, talk, eat, sleep, breathe, etc. The Average Joe doesn't want to cough up $400 an hour to some bozo for simply registering his wishes in a will, or getting rid of that harridan he married, or buying a simple plot of land upon which to build a house which the next harridan will take from him in the next divorce with the help of another set of blasted lawyers which he will end up paying for.
We all complain about blasted lawyers, but as Mark Twain would say ''nobody does anything about it.''
So, I've come up with a plan.
A plan which is quick, cost effective, and, most importantly, FUN!
Here's how it works:
Person A hires Person B to kill a blasted lawyer. Now, it must be a ''clean'' kill, which means that only the blasted lawyer is killed. No ''collateral damage'' or anything like that. The blasted lawyer must be killed in the commission of his crime, which means only at his office, or at a courthouse. No drive-by shooting or mail-bomb to the home, okay? Also, no Ebola. Yes, I know it's the most agonizing death possible, but it's also communicable. Remember, no ''collateral damage.'' Guns, knives, chainsaws, garrottes, laser beams, large plastics shredders (set on slow speed, of course), and other ''up close and personal'' methods are completely acceptable, however.
When Person B has offed the blasted lawyer, Person A pays Person B FIVE DOLLARS!
I realize it's more than a blasted lawyer is worth, but there has to be a token amount. Besides, you'll see how this works as we move along.
Now, the final rule, and probably the most important. Person B must now hire TWO more people to each kill a blasted lawyer. Person A is down five bucks, and Person B is up five. When Person B hires Persons C and D, they'll both be up five bucks, and Person B will be in the same financial position as Person A. Persons C and D will then hire Persons E, F, G, and H, and the cycle will continue.
Using this system, and going through only one cycle per week, you could eliminate every single blasted lawyer in the United States of America in only 20 weeks. The ABA (American Blastedlawyers Association) estimates that there are just over one million blasted lawyers in the U.S. right now. Imagine getting rid of every single one of them in just 5 months! And for only FIVE DOLLARS!
Now for some odd reason, killing a blasted lawyer is viewed as illegal. But then again, remember who writes the laws.
But even that shouldn't be a problem. If Persons A and B are arrested for murder, it'd take many months for the case to come to trial. By that time, all the blasted lawyers would be dead anyway. No blasted lawyers, so no need for a trial. Because do you remember what blasted judges are? Merely blasted lawyers with really bad fashion sense!
I can hear you saying, ''Yeah, but what about the last persons in the chain who kills the last tranche of blasted lawyers? Everybody else is down five dollars, but they're ahead of the game by a fin!'' No problem. The last person in the chain must then donate $10 to his or her favourite charity, putting them down by five bucks, but putting U.S. charities up by a cool $5,242,880 in one shot!
Now, I'm sure that my editors would love to publish this article. But their blasted lawyers will probably tell them not to.
Sad, ain't it?
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Doc Farmer is a free-lance writer and humorist whose columns appear regularly in ChronWatch. He resides and works in Doha, Qatar, and receives e-mail at: docfarmer9999@yahoo.co.uk
This article was originally posted on ChronWatch at: http://www.chronwatch.com/content/contentDisplay.asp?aid=2999 www.chronwatch.com
(Excerpt) Read more at chronwatch.com ...
In Will Shakespeare's time and argot, a lawyer such as yourself would have been called a barrister or a solicitor at the very least. The creatures named by Mr. Shakespeare are what we in thios country would call legislators.
So far as the killing goes, I am indeed ready to do so should it come to that, as I have been since my teenage years when others first tried to kill me, with happily limited success. Others in your trade have been among those I've stood by when such things came their way, and so far they're still around as well. And though I do not know you well, if others would try such short pleasures with you, I would be glad to stand with you too, and make it a bit more difficult for them than they might have imagined.
But I would not be surprised to see a few of those legislator creatures hanging from public utility poles or lying in crumpled heaps alongside the corners of buildings, as befell Nicolae Ceaucescue of Romania in 1989. And I do not think I'd bother to similarly come to their aid.
-archy-/-
Ask around.
Meanwhile, on another thread, a french COL slapped a french reporter silly on TV, and my brain has locked up trying to figure out who surrendered. LOGIC IS A MEADOW OF PRETTY FOLWERS...THAT SMELL BAD...THAT DOES NOT COMPUTE....LANDREW, GUIDE US...
Falling into camp "I resemble that remark," here's a bit of history on one of the worlds' most common epithets against the legal profession. While this remark has been reduced to a slogan or jingle, placed in context, the line makes a profound statement on the conflict between rule of law and anarchy (or, perhaps more relevant today, the conflict between rule of law and a police state). As eloquently employed by Justice Stevens below, "Shakespeare insightfully realized that disposing of lawyers is a step in the direction of a totalitarian form of government."Henry VI is the son of much beloved Henry V, and his legacy includes the bloody Wars of the Roses, embroiling England in generations of civil war. Described as "a high-class soap opera," throughout its three parts, Henry VI sees the beleaguered king faced by threats from within his court, from the nobility, from the French and from uprisings among the common people.
One of these uprisings was led by Jack Cade. Cade and his men wished to present grievances to the king. The king received their petitions and then gathered an army to destroy them. Cade's men then routed the troops sent to subdue them and ended up capturing London. Although Cade was initially welcomed into London, his men soon engaged in selective looting and pillaging, and executed Lord Say for encouraging literacy.
This provides the backdrop for the statement by Dick the Butcher, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers," to which Jack Cade replies, "Nay, that I meant to do." Shakespeare adapted this statement from Holingshed's Chronicles, where it is reported that John Ball exhorted the people "that they might destroy first the great lords of the realm, and after the judges and lawyers, questmongers, and all other whom they took to be against the commons."
Shakespeare's Stratford-on-Avon was not spared from the revolutionary fervor and some local nobility were killed. Taken in context, Cade's men sought not a utopia without lawyers (compare to Sir Thomas Moore's Utopia) but rather to eliminate government and the rule of law. Thus Dick the Butcher was a precursor to Sex Pistols.
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