Posted on 12/29/2015 6:13:17 AM PST by Kaslin
Part I in a series of widely held beliefs that are either untrue or meaningless:
In every age, people say and believe things that aren't true but somehow become accepted as "conventional wisdom."
The statement "I'm not ready to get married" is a current example. Said by more and more Americans between the ages of 21 and 40 (and some who are older than that), it usually qualifies as both meaningless and untrue. And it is one reason a smaller percentage of Americans are marrying than ever before.
So, here's a truth that young Americans need to hear:
Most people become "ready to get married" when they get married. Throughout history most people got married at a much younger age than people today. They were hardly "ready." They got married because society and/or their religion expected them to. And then, once married, people tended to rise to the occasion.
The same holds true for becoming a parent. Very few people are "ready" to become a parent. They become ready ... once they become a parent. In fact, the same holds true for any difficult job. What new lawyer was "ready" to take on his or her first clients? What new teacher, policeman, firefighter is "ready?"
You get ready to do something by doing it.
In addition, at least two bad things happen the longer you wait to get "ready" to be married.
One is that, if you are a woman, the number of quality single men declines. Among deniers of unpleasant realities -- people known as progressives, leftists, and feminists -- this truth is denied and labelled "sexist." But, as Susan Patton, a Princeton graduate, wrote in an article titled "Advice for the young women of Princeton," published in Princeton's student newspaper: "Find a husband on campus before you graduate. ... From a sheer numbers perspective, the odds will never be as good to be surrounded by all of these extraordinary men."
The other bad thing that happens when people wait until they are "ready" to get married is that they often end up waiting longer and longer. After a certain point, being single becomes the norm and the thought of marrying becomes less, not more, appealing. So over time you can actually become less "ready" to get married.
And one more thing: If you're 25 and not ready to commit to another person, in most cases -- even if you are a kind person, and a responsible worker or serious student -- "I'm not ready to get married" means "I'm not ready to stop being preoccupied with myself," or to put it as directly as possible, "I'm not ready to grow up." (No job on earth makes you grow up like getting married does.)
People didn't marry in the past only because they fell in love. And people can fall in love and not marry -- as happens frequently today. People married because it was a primary societal value. People understood that it was better for society and for the vast majority of its members that as many individuals as possible commit to someone and take care of that person. Among other things, when people stop taking care of one another, the state usually ends up doing so. Just compare the percentage of single people receiving welfare versus the percentage of married people.
Nor is the argument that the older people are when they marry, the less likely they are to divorce. This only applies in any significant way to those who marry as teenagers versus those who marry later. Moreover, the latest data are that those who marry in their early 30s are more likely to divorce than those who marry on their late 20s.
And then there is the economic argument. Many single men, for example, say they are not ready to get married because they don't have the income they would like to have prior to getting married. As responsible as this may sound, however, this is not a particularly rational argument. Why is marrying while at a low income a bad idea? In fact, marriage may be the best way to increase one's income. Men's income rises after marriage. They have less time to waste, and someone to help support -- two spurs to hard work and ambition, not to mention that most employers prefer men who are married. And can't two people live on less money than each would need if they lived on their own, paying for two apartments?
In addition to economic benefits, the vast majority of human beings do better when they have someone to come home to, someone to care for, and someone to care for them. And, no matter how much feminists and other progressives deny it, children do best when raised by a married couple. There are, most certainly, superb single parents. But every superb single parent I have ever spoken to wishes they had had a spouse with whom to raise their children.
Throughout history, and in every society, people married not when they were "ready" to marry, but when they reached marriageable age and were expected to assume adult responsibilities.
Finally, this statement reflects another negative trend in society -- that of people being guided by feelings rather than by standards or obligations. We live in an Age of Feelings. Aside from the rational and moral problems that derive from being guided by feelings rather than by reason and values, there is one other problem. In life, behavior shapes feelings. Act happy, you'll feel happy. Act single, you'll feel single. Act married, you'll feel married.
Do it, in other words. Then you'll be "ready."
yeah, doing it for societal reasons sounds silly to me. leads to a lot of unhappiness and abuse.
do it because you are in love. there is a tremendous difference seen between my friends who married for love and those that married because “it was time”.
leaving the “sexual revolution” out of any marriage debate makes it a little moot.
We weren’t ready, by any means.
We grew into it, and we raised each other. We’re still married after almost 30 years now.
That said, I’m all for waiting to find the right one if that takes a little extra time. Better than marrying the wrong one and being in misery forever. I’ve known plenty who held out and did quite well.
Too many have their faces in their phones nowadays to even look up. I honestly don’t know how anyone expects to find anyone nowadays. Everyone so self absorbed.
Certain kinds of musicians and artists should not marry. Never. The ones driven by the madness of their craft - the spouse will just end up being a kind of widow as all of the passion is diverted onanistically and poured out in notes or canvass. It’s a variation on the workaholic’s widow. Writers seem to be able to pull it off though. Funny that.
The number of quality single men wasn't all that high when I was younger either.
Many great points in the article.
However ........ if I were contemplating marriage in the aftermath of gay “marriage” I would find a clergy member who would be willing to marry me in the church but not in the eyes of the government. The government and the legal profession have made a mockery of marriage and a thriving business from divorce and it is none of their business whether I am married or not.
I’m not sure why Dennis didn’t mention that ready access to consequence free sex is the primary disincentive for men to marry.
As long as women are willing participants in this charade, they will continue to be the victims of being used and alone.
Some women are fine with this....most are not.
Very few young men are ready to marry today, for various reasons.
Writer's cramp?................
I was always told that if a man says. “I’m not ready to get married,” that one should append the words “...to you” at the end of the statement, and one would not be far wrong.
Jesus said, "There is no marriage in Heaven.".................That's why they call it 'Heaven'....................
Newspeak translator to the rescue: “I’m not ready to get married” = “I’m not ready to stop f***ing my brains out”.
HTH.
Another piece of 'untrue' 'common wisdom'. Since this is the Christmas season, I'll use the case of Joseph and Mary...... In the New Testament, Joseph basically disappears after the Flight to Egypt part of the story (and just a cameo appearance when Jesus stayed at the Temple after Passover when he was 12). Why? In practically every production of The Christmas Story I've ever seen in movies or books Joseph and Mary are portrayed as teens or young adults, but was probably not the case. Back in those days, men and women did not get married at the same age. Men usually were about thirty or so and women were barely into puberty, so there would have been approximately a 17 year gap in their ages. Even though the marriages were usually arranged between families and tribal clans to preserve the bloodlines and whatever fortunes there may have been to 'keep in the family', men were expected to be able to financially support a family by learning a trade and become proficient at it. Joseph was a carpenter and was most likely in his early 30's, while Mary would have been a very young teenager. So, by the time of Jesus' crucifixion, Mary was probably about 45 and Joseph would have already died. That's why Jesus asked John to 'take care' of his mother, being the oldest son it was his responsibility to make sure she was provided for........................
Why do you think that only works in one direction? I think your sentence is just as true if you change "men" to "women".
Most of the so-called "hookup culture" seems to consist of young women pursuing random encounters with "alpha" male "players".
Many of the "non-alpha" men, many of whom would have made fine husbands and fathers in a different age, simply refuse to play that game and drop out. (Google "MGTOW".) Video games are more compelling and fun than asking for dates and being turned down repeatedly, laughed at, cheated on, or otherwise humiliated.
The problem is you can't keep doing it once they're all gone.
In medieval Europe, royalty often married when they were barely in puberty or even before. Why? Procreation was their primary responsibility, and almost everything else in their lives was comfortably provided for.
Among the poor, however, that was not true, and marriage ages were often much older. Boys first had to establish themselves in some sort of productive trade or craft. Girls sometimes had to care first for aging parents or younger siblings.
Honestly, I’m not sure there’s much out there that is worth marriage. If you’re not into the Lena Dunham type, then you’re better off alone.
I don’t blame people marrying people from overseas, this whole dysfunctional “hookup culture” needs to be vetoed and left to die off for what it is, sad and lonely.
FTA: Aside from the rational and moral problems that derive from being guided by feelings rather than by reason and values, there is one other problem. In life, behavior shapes feelings. Act happy, you’ll feel happy.
&&&
Making life choices based on “feelings” is adolescent, at best.
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