Posted on 05/22/2020 7:56:22 AM PDT by Colonial35
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from the shower, my wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion. ‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.’ Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. ‘How long will this take?’ she asked. ‘They will grow larger over a period of years,’ I reply. She stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’ Without missing a beat I say ‘Worked for your butt, didn't it?’ I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again, Although I will probably continue to take my meals through a straw. I'm a stupid, stupid man.
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .
The Personnel Manager said, “Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.”
Mujibar said, “I am ready”
The manager said, “Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.”
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, “Mister manager, I am ready”
The manager said, “Go ahead.”
Mujibar said, “The telephone goes green, green,
and I pink it up, and say, ‘Yellow, this is Mujibar.’”
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.
No doubt you have spoken to him. I have.
A bus filled with politicians was driving through
the countryside one day, on the campaign trail.
The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,
loses control and crashes into the ditch.
A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and
rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.
The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man.
“So you buried all the politicians?” asked the police officer.
“Were they all dead?”
The farmer answered, “Some said they weren’t,
but you know how politicians lie.”
* I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.
* Ontario has banned groups larger than 5. If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite!
* The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required!
* Happy hour is starting earlier and earlier. If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine in my cereal!
* Today’s Weather? Room temperature.
* 30 Days Hath September, April, June and November All the rest have 31 … except March which had 8000.
* Smoking pot and skipping school had me in trouble constantly. Now weed is legal and schools are closed … damn kids are livin’ the dream!
* This is stupid. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer and it came out as a rum & coke!
* If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock”, don’t open it. It’s a Jehovah Witness working from home.
* After a few days of not going out, I saw someone I knew walking by on the sidewalk outside. I immediately ran to the window and started yelling to them. Now I understand dogs.
* Day 8 of social isolation and it’s looking like Vegas in my house: We’re losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour and nobody knows what time it is.
That’s a good one; loved it!
Speaking of Toilet Paper...
I work for an eCommerce Consulting firm and a Client came onboard about 4 weeks ago. He asked us if can we help him get set up with Amazon. Sure we said. The guy bought 100 thousand roles of toilet paper from Mexico. I think he paid about 20 thousand.
He was hoping to sell all these roles at a decent profit, maybe double his money.
Unfortunately not only he missed the high demand window, but Amazon also placed super high requirements on essential products. The guy still can’t list his TP for sale.
He is stuck with a crap ton of TP!
No matter how far you push the envelope, it remains stationery.
They kick you out of the petting zoo.
Two scoops of ice cream and a dead baby.
ROFL! Unique.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones, do you know me?’
She responded, ‘Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly,
you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie,
you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t
the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.’
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked, ‘Mrs. Jones,
do you know the defense attorney?’
She again replied, ‘ Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted,
and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship
with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.’
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and,
in a very quiet voice, said,
‘If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I’ll send you both to the electric chair.’
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
“I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out.
He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc?
Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... “Not with a carnation.”
It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said; I bet I know what it is.
Some flowers. That’s right. the boy said. But how did you know? Oh, just a wild guess, she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter. The Teacher held her gift overhead, shook it,
and said I bet I can guess what it is. Is it a box of candy? That’s right. But how did you know?
Asked the girl. Oh, just a wild guess, said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.
She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
Is it wine? She asked. No, the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
Is it champagne? She asked. No, the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, I give up, what is it?
With great glee, the boy replied, it’s a puppy!
With all her face lifts she has to let it melt and drink it with a straw.
..grin..
The two candidates were preparing for a bodacious debate to start off the campaign and at the very beginning they both jointly announced that the campaign would be run on the issues only and what they CAN and WILL do for the people that vote them in and represent all.
After a brief intro, the first guy stood up and said..
“You both just heard that Mr Johnson and I have agreed to run a clean, smooth campaign and I would like to take this moment to thank him as I was prepared to point out that Mr J cheats on his taxes, absconded funds from his company, is not the Vet he claims to be and numerous other ‘sins’ that I will NOT BE BRINGING UP because of the pledge”
Just when some of the local flubros are wearing COVID-19 tattoos with images of toilet paper on them.
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing.
After arriving at the lake early in the morning,
they cut two holes in the lake and drop their lines in the water.
After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught
dozens of fish while Jethro hasn’t even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, “Billy Bob, what’s your secret?”
Billy Bob answers, “Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.”
Jethro asks, “What did you say?”
Billy Bob answers, “Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm.”
Jethro again asks, “What?”
Billy Bobspits into his hand and says,
“You gotta keep the worms warm!”
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.
Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t
let such a comment go un-rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’
cloud appeared when he shook them out.
‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom,
‘why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’
She replied ...’It’s not talcum powder......It’s ‘Miracle Grow!
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