Posted on 05/08/2020 8:22:15 AM PDT by Colonial35
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year
to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer,
he would invite one friend or another to stay
with him there for a week or two.
One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him.
The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed.
When the time came, they spent a wonderful time,
getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend
were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast,
they were approached by two huge bears~~a male and a female.
The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however,
was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced
for the nearest town to get the local sheriff.
The sheriff grabbed his high~powered rifle and raced back
to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while,
he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend’s family.
He just had to save his friend.
Luckily, the bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!”
cried the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and shot the female.
“What did you do that for?!” exclaimed the lawyer,
“I said he was in the other bear!”
“Exactly,” replied the sheriff. “Would you believe a lawyer who told
you that the Czech was in the male?”
Booooooooooooooo.
The only joke I can think of is Joe Biden, Obama and the Minnesota Vikings.
Three Irishmen walk out of a bar...
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims: "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
LOL
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot...There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!” .
ok..lawyer joke
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, “Where’s the money?” Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him where it is again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
I got an acupuncture treatment. When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.
I tried on line dating. Several of the women said in their posts “must love dogs.” I didn’t understand at first. Then I saw their pictures.
When he decides to do so, the head Monk tells him that they have only a few rules. Work hard, but do not talk. You will take a vow of silence. “But”, says the monk, “Once a year you will be allowed to say TWO words.”
All goes well the first year. The new monk is finding the vow of silence not hard to follow. It's now the day that he gets to say his annual two words.
“And what do you want to say, Brother? Remember, only two words”, says the head monk.
“Food cold”, replies the novice monk. “So noted”, says the head monk. "I'll see you next year”
The next year goes by, much like the first. It is now time for his annual two words. “And what might they be?”, asks the head monk.
“Bed hard”, replies the novice monk. “So noted”, replies the head monk. “Keep up the good work and I'll see you next year”.
The third year goes by in a flash. It's now that time for the two words. “Ok my Brother. And what are your two words this year?”
“I quit!” says the novice Monk.
“Well, that doesn't surprise me.”, says the head monk. “It's been bitch bitch bitch ever since you got here!”
DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR
Line to get into heaven being checked in by St. Peter. Angel Gabriel comes running up and then heads down the line.
Is there a psychiatrist in the line he shouts and moves on down.
About 3/4s the way down a man raises his hand and says, I’m a psychiatrist.
Come with me, hurry Gabriel says.
What’s wrong, the man asks.
It’s God, He thinks he’s a federal judge. (substitute, Pelosi, Schiff, Obama, Clintons, etc.)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Miss Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with
the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger
out there who claims you know his dad. He wants to borrow $30,000,
and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this thing?”
The bank manager looks back at it and says to her...
“It’s a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan.
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
There was once a man who had gained favor in God’s sight.
The Lord came to the man one day and spoke, “Son, I am well pleased with you.
Name whatever it is you wish, and it will be granted unto you.”
The man was momentarily taken back by God’s generosity.
He quickly pondered, and then thought of what it was that he wanted.
“Lord”, he spoke. “I would like to have a bridge built to Hawaii.
That way, any time I want to go to Hawaii, I can simply drive.
I really hate to fly, and this bridge would enable for me
to get there without flying.
After reflecting upon this request, He responded,
“I am the maker of the heavens and the earth.
This thing you ask is not beyond my grasp. However,
do you really think it prudent? Although it can be done,
it would require more concrete than your largest city.
The engineering would have to account for ocean stresses
never encountered before. And the drive to Hawaii itself
would take days to complete. Are you sure this is what you want?”
The man considered the wisdom of God.
He thought about what the Lord had just said, then he responded,
“Oh Lord, I accept your counsel.
I do not want to waste your gift on frivolousness.
May I have a week to think this over and
figure out what it is that I really want?”
God said, “You have spoken wisely. Of course you may have a week to consider.”
A week later, the Lord revisited the man, saying,
“Now is your time to decide what it is you want Me to grant to you.
Have you changed your mind?”
The man replied, “Oh heavens yes. The thing I really would like from you,
Lord, is to know everything there is to know about women.
I want to know what makes them laugh, what makes them cry.
I want to know what they are thinking, why they do the things they do.
Basically, I want to know what makes them tick.”
For the next several minutes, God was silent. Then finally,
He spoke, “So, was that a two-lane bridge or a four-lane bridge that you wanted?”
062907
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