Posted on 04/25/2020 11:46:37 AM PDT by sodpoodle
Billy was having trouble in school.
His teacher constantly yelled at him, "You're driving me crazy, Billy! Can't you learn anything?"
Billy's mother met with his teacher at fall conferences. The teacher told her Billy was a disaster, getting the lowest marks of any of her students . She had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant boy in her teaching career. Billy's mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son, moving from Detroit to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with severe cardiac disease and she needed a special heart surgeon .
Her doctors advised open heart surgery that only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
The teacher decided to have a remarkably successful procedure. In the recovery room, she saw the young doctor who headed her surgical team, smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him. Instead, her face turned blue as she tried to speak and she quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went suddenly wrong. When the doctor turned to leave the room, he saw that Billy, the janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.
It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, now we're in BIG trouble!" Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
At the Christmas break, his son comes home for the holidays and has all the “answers”. “Dad, you are putting way too much onions on the dogs. You need to cut back on the mustard too. My econ prof says a recession is coming”.
The dad does as his son suggests. After all, he is a student at an Ivy League school.
A few months later, the dad closes the once popular hot dog stand. He calls his son with the news “Son, you were right. Hard times are here. All my customers left!”
Will caskets with transparent lids ever catch on?
Remains to be seen.
How true...
Like the girl comes home from College, spewing all her newly learned knowledge and after a bit Dad asks how her friend Susie is doing...
‘Oh I don’t hang with Susie any more. She parties all the time, stays out all night, I can barely maintain my As as she keeps me up but she is my friend and I won’t ask her to move.”
“Tell you what” replied Dad “Since Susie is such a good friend why don’t you just give her some of your grades and bring her up to a C+ or B- and you will still be able to keep a B- or so”
“Dad!! That is stupid. You expect me to do all the work, follow the rules then just turn around and give HER my grades to make her better?”
“Honey, welcome to the world of Conservatives”.
ALSO
Guy goes to eye Dr
“Doc, I am having trouble seeing, can you help me out?”
“Look out the window, now what do you see?”
“The Sun”
“Well how much farther do you expect to see?”
“ The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.”
You know where those things are made? Lozengeles.
“Remains to be seen.”
Ooooof.....!!
But truth is always stranger than fiction. I have attended several funerals for my black coworkers or for their relatives. The caskets for some had a transparent inner lid. This was to prevent mourners from touching or kissing the remains.
Waitress to three snooty yentas at a table in a deli: “Is anything all right?”
Buddha walks into a pizza parlor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
Conservatives? Progressives is more like it.
When he asked the cashier for his change the Daoist said, "Change must come from with in".
Yes, the ‘share’ is progressive, my point (or lack of) was the FATHER ‘consoling’ the griping daughter inasmuch as that is how the ‘world’ is being pushed down our throats - or something like that - I think...<: <: <:
I ‘have’ to ask my Funeral Parlor owner friend if he has a layaway plan.
“What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?” A STICK
What do you call a fly with no wings? A WALK.
This Saturday Smile is a PUN IDEA
* * *
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter. He won’t come anyway.
I really needed that!
this doesn’t fit here, but I haven’t used it in a while.
Little Larry says:
I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.”
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson.
And how about you, Sarah?
I wanna be Larry’s whore
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No-eye deer.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A: Still no-eye deer.
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