Posted on 02/25/2018 12:28:05 PM PST by sodpoodle
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: "BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!"
If you don't forward this you have no sense of humor. Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future.
Great
Fun. Thanks for posting.
While walking down the street one day Obama is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.
‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’
‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says Obama.
‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing an d telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’
So, 24 hours pass with Obama joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns.
‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’
Obama reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
‘I don’t understand,’ stammers Obama. ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time . Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?’
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning..... Today you voted.”
BOOKMARK
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth" he says. "And what is your question, Kenneth, she asks.
"I have three questions" he says. "First - what ever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two email accounts? And, third - what ever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were secretary of state?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after the break.
When they resume Hillary says "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different boy, little Johnny, puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny" he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.
"I have five questions" he says. "First - whatever happened in Benghazi? Second - why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two email accounts? "Third - what ever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were secretary of state? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth - where the f*ck is Kenneth?"
Al Gore dies and reaches heaven entrance. He is surprised to see Bill Clinton waiting at the entrance.
Says Bill “What Happened to you?”
Al Gore says “came home unexpectedly early on Friday.”
“I thought I heard a man’s voice from Tipper’s bedroom”
“I rushed to her bedroom, but she was alone there in bed”
“I then rushed to the basement, but no one was there”
“Then I ran up to the 3rd floor attic, and there I had heart attack and died”
Says Bill “You idiot, if you had just opened the fridge in the basement, I would’nt have froze to death”
Rerun:
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss”. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
“Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know”, he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios...”
Funny...
LOL!
good job, all. I’ll steal those.
One for the road.
Obama goes to hell and the devil is showing him around to the different jobs available for all eternity.
One room had people on their hand and knees crawling over glass\rocks\nails\tacks.
One room had people shovel manure with 1 foot shovels.
One room had monica lewinsky naked giving bill clinton a lewsinsky.
Obama: “That’s for me”
Devil: “You sure?”
Obama: “Yep.”
Devil: “Ok Monica, your replacement is here.”
Lots of laughs - stolen by me, too :)
When Bill Clinton returned to the white house as he got off of marine one he had a pig under each arm. The marine snapped a salute are him and said “nice pigs sir”. Bill stopped and told him he was from Arkansas and there they called them hogs. The marine saluted again and said “nice hogs sir”. Bill said “yeah, I got this one for Hillary and this one for Chelsea “. The marine said “ nice trade sir”.
A bus full of politicians was moving along the country road. Then it crashed into the tree and overturned. Blood and glass were everywhere.
A middle-aged farmer working on the field nearby saw the accident and decided to help: he dug a huge hole and buried all the politicians who were still alive.
He thought he did his country a good service.
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