An Irish Thursday

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid... Husband: Well you don't remember, do you??? When we were leaving the hospital, you noticed that our baby had pooped, then you said: "Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here." So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there. Moral: Never give a man a job for which he is not qualified.

___________________________________________________ An Irishman's first drink with his son! While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!! ______________________________________________________ Irish Confession I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." He replied, "You moron, you're on my side. _________________________________________________

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teats, ya bloody penguins."shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?" _________________________________________________ AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice." MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are drunks. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men....are men. _________________________________________________________ Irish Fun Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday.” -______________________________________________________ Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy,"he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet." ______________________________ __ Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!" __________________________ Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What the hell you doing?" he asks. "Hanging meself," Paddy replies. "It should be around your neck," says the Guard. "I know," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe." ______________________________ __ Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk. ______________________________ __ Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantel piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.' ______________________________ __ Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it. Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time? Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home. ______________________________ __

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!'he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!' 'Tell me, is this her first baby?'the intern asked. 'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.' ______________________________ __

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive? ______________________________ __

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

One of my favorites:

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Donation

Father O’Malley answers the phone.

“Is this Father O’Malley?”

“Indeed it is.”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“Indeed I can.”

“Is one Francis X. McGarrity a member of your parish?”

“Indeed he is.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“Indeed.”

“Indeed what, Father?”

“Indeed he will!”

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