Smiles for Sanity

The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!’

The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.’

The second farmer smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’

Three weeks later, the younger farmer asks his friend, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’ The second farmer replies.....

Why we love children:

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the
van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?’

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

NOW IF THIS DIDN’T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT.

Top 10 Democrat party slogans.......

1. Bitterly clinging to taxes and abortion

2. We didn’t destroy your freedoms; you can visit them at the Smithsonian.

3. If you want us to listen to your opinion, move to Europe.

4. Someday none of this will be yours.

5. We can’t tax terrorism so who cares

6. Please don’t vote us out. None of us can do real jobs

7. Why the founding Fathers limited government: Racism

8. Reducing America’s carbon footprint one job at a time.

9. America: We just can’t wait to see how it ends

10. Making everything in this country free except you.

******
From June 16, 2010
Words of wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy...
“Even after the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I have noticed a large number of people implying with bad jokes that Cajuns aren’t smart. I would like to state for the record that I disagree with that assessment. Anybody that would build a city 5 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fill it with Democrats is a genius”.

more on the way;)

Subject: Medicare Part G

Medicare Part G
If you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you, what do you do?

You may opt for Medicare Part G.

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You may then shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, go enjoy the weekend!

Puns for Educated Minds

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired
his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a
whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was
confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math
disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be
stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited
for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a
tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats
were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay
here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting
bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped
from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived
mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward
poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In
feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a
missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the
bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture carrying two dead
raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry,
sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a
concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly
it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it
too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The
other says, ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His
goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten
puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.
****

August 31, 2015 Today’s Joke:
If you are going to engage in conversation about foreign policy with Obama supporters, always remember this: Most of them believe ‘Iran’ is what they did after they robbed the liquor store.
****
(from email)
An Israeli doctor says: “In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work”.

The German doctor says: “that’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work”.

The Russian doctor says: “gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work”.

The United States doctor laughs: “You all are behind us. Five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work!”

*****

(Twenty Mule Team site)

Ms Crapweasel introduced herself to her first-grade class located in a heavily Democrat district.

“Hello, class,” she began. “I’m your new teacher,Theresa Crapweasel, and I’m a liberal. How many of you are liberals?”

Every child in the room raised his hand, except for one little girl, Susie, (it’s always Susie in these stories) sitting in the front row.

Glancing down at her seating roster based upon skin tone Ms Crapweasel asked, “Susie, if you’re not a liberal, then what are you?”

Standing respectfully, Susie proudly replied, “I’m a conservative!”

“Tell the class why you’re a conservative,” ordered Ms Crapweasel.

“Well, said Susie, “my Daddy’s a conservative…and my Mommy’s a conservative
…so I’m a conservative!”

“But, Susie, just because your natural parents are conservatives, doesn’t mean you have to be one,” the teacher said. “Suppose your Daddy was a drug-addled thief and liar. And what if your Mommy was a filthy, two-bit prostitute?”

Without hesitation, Susie replied, “That’s easy, then I’d be a liberal!” - Origin Unknown
********************************

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them “Brides of Christ.”
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns, and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them,
“I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?”
One of the Jews replied, “We’re from the groom’s family.”
...With God’s help, we can only pray they chose the proper side on which to sit.

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